In Remembrance of my son PJ January 6, 1984 – January 26, 1984.

Glimpse into My Haven

To the casual outsider, I’m certain that it would be construed an absolute mess of catastrophic proportions. But to this artistic heart, its total bliss and creative decadence at its very best. The ideas, endeavors and creations that emerge within this little inspirational haven are unequivacally unique explorations and extensions of myself. My absolute favorite place to be…

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Honoring Life Changes: The Wisdom of Fear

“Anything really worth doing in our lives, will always have some fear attached to it.”

It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life, these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence. – DailyOM

Yesterday I stood between two chapters in my life, one job ending and another about to begin. Although I knew this day would come, I was still surprised by the emotional impact derived from powering off my cellphone for the first time since I had recieved it and hearing a door close behind me that I no longer had a key to reopen.

Small things, to be certain…but they brought tears just the same. Suddenly, the magnitude of inevitable change loomed before me and I was powerless to stop it.  In the wake of this realization, came the slightest ripple of fear that I would be starting over once again.

At this point, I began to reflect on all of the changes in my life, that had preceded this one. Each of them, necessary steps to reach this particular place in time. I remembered the anxiety I had felt when this job was new and the constant presence of worry & doubt in my abilities and performance. Granted, they were short lived, but they existed nonetheless.

I began to think about the people I’ve encountered, the experiences we’ve shared and the lives that were inevitably touched…beginning with my own. And the fear began to dissipate…quietly replaced with an overwhelming sense of gratitude, for all that I have known.

As I began walking toward my truck and the two clients that were waiting there, both verbally reluctant to be brought home for the last time…I realized how truly fortunate I really am.

My new job, will afford me the opportunity to stay in contact with many, if not all of the same people. Friendships were formed, that will undeniably continue and the possibilities that exist on the next horizon…are immeasureable.

This fear, that crept in….was no longer warranted…and I let it slip away from my shoulders. But I also knew, with complete certainty, that had it not been for the presence of fear and the anticipation of change, I probably would not have achieved the same perspective or degree of gratitude that I inevitably feel at this moment.

Even fear…has its purpose. What we decide to do when faced with that fear…is entirely up to us.

My Favorite Poem & Mantra

Turn Your Face To The Sun by Maithri Goonetilleke

Beloved,

There are days when nothing seems right.

When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken.

When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly.

When comforts are empty.

And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands.

And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase.

There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy.

Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent.

It pours from the heart of every moment.

From the light of every smile.

On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds.

But on some days, Beloved.

On days like today….

We need to look, to see.

So turn your face to the sun.

Even when she is nowhere to be seen.

Go inside yourself.

Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for.

‘Yes’, the day has worn you.

And ‘Yes’ our mistakes have been so many.

But say ‘Thank you’ anyway.

Take account of all that is in your possession.

A mind. A heart. A body.

A life that breathes, even if for just one more day.

Now count the eyes that have smiled at you on your wild journey,

the hands that have held you tenderly,the ears that have listened,

the prayers that have been made on your behalf.

And whisper your ‘Thank you’ again.

Count the sky that has watched you grow with

His painted eyes,

The heaving waves that find their echo in the tides of your breathing,

The little birds that have sung you their songs,

The stars which have been a lamp to your path, and are your rightful inheritance.

Count unexpected laughter,

Count undeserved grace,

Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born,

And bow your head and say ‘thank you’,

Now count the lives who still need your light,

The hungry, the sick, the helpless,

Count the children who will die today and imagine if with the breath of your body you could help just one.

Turn your face to the sun,

And know yourself as a child of the light.

You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished,

The love that burns through the darkest night.

And perhaps,

In turning

You will see what i have seen,

that this day where everything seemed wrong,

was not your curse,

It was your gift,

Your chance…

To find inside yourself a forgotten ‘thank you’,

To smile in the face of the grim suppressors,

To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness and turn your face to the sun.

Four Truths

“To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.”

                                                                                                                                                                               - William Ellery Channing

Time has been the ideal mentor for discerning priorities and procuring perspective in my life. 

I’m not unique in the sense that my heart has been affected by as much sadness, as it has happiness. But there will always be another who has endured far more than I have. What I have done, is determined to make a conscious decision and effort to utilize these experiences and the strength and wisdom that inevitably emerged…to my advantage. Maintaining a positive perspective is 98% of the battle. Recognizing what brings me happiness and prioritizing is the rest.

My life has been anything but perfect, picturesque or ideal in any way. In fact, I’ve endured more sorrow in my lifetime, than I would have ever imagined humanly possible. Yet here I am. There is no secret to surviving, no miracle cures or magic potions to attaining happiness. That didn’t occur for me until I began to listen. To feel comfortable with who I was and to learn to be alone and aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and desires. I needed to learn to be in tune with my surroundings and to be able to decipher what was truly important to me. I don’t pretend to be an expert on anything, nor am I trying to dictate what anyone else should do. I merely understand where my journey has taken me and I feel compelled to share a little of what I have learned, in the hopes of helping someone else along their own path. 

At this point in my life, there are still only four things of which I am certain; but they serve as guideposts along my path.

• Do all things with Love.
• Perspective is everything.
• Use the gifts I’ve been given.
• Happiness originates within.

Everything else seems to fall within these categories. So simple and yet, I almost missed it.

These days, it’s the little things that bring the greatest joy. Simple pleasures, cherished memories and laughter. Once I mastered listening, it was far easier to turn the focus outward and honestly see those elements I deemed most important. Recognizing these things also brought an overwhelming sense of gratitude for everything I’ve experienced.

Everything.

And my life has been infinitely enhanced, in ways I could never have imagined.

The process isn’t perfect by any means, and although it may vary among us…it is obtainable.

Listen to your heart. Adopt a positive attitude. Surround yourself with people and things that emanate positive affirmations. Embrace others. And do All things with Love.

I believe this is how things were intended to be. But this is my opinion. Follow your own heart, and things will inevitably unfold as they should.

The Best Day of Your Life

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses…No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

Though there are those among us who were undoubtedly fortunate enough to experience the rather sought after, idealistic childhood…for many, that simply wasn’t the case. But what is our definition of ideal? Certainly, the majority of us would gauge this differently, depending on our own needs, wants and aspirations. Few of us, I believe, would ever aspire to the same degree of idealism.

Regardless of origin, our existence is inevitably imbued by the experiences that unfold and evolve in our lifetimes. Our individual perceptions and the significance we place upon each of these events will unquestionably vary. Knowing and acknowledging this, is key to discovering and navigating our own paths in life.

We have all encountered and endured trials and tribulations. Many of us have wrestled with our demons, fallen and fought some more. We’ve experienced the simple pleasures that rouse laughter or compel our hearts to tears, and we’ve known heartache or love, if only at the most rudimentary levels.

Our task, I believe, is to garner knowledge and strength from these experiences and utilize what we have learned to forge our own unique paths. Without expectations or imitation, without excuses, judgement or criticism…our paths are uniquely our own.

Despite adversity and obstacles, we each possess the innate power to surmount and achieve the presumed impossible.

Of course, it’s relatively easy to lose sight of this when covered in the chaos and dust of everyday existence. The challenge becomes our acknowledgement of this innate gift and the effort and commitment required to defining your own path, your own truth and your own, unique perspective.

In all the world, there will never be another ‘You.’

No-one will ever trace the exact path that you alone have forged. Nor will they share the precise experiences and perspective that you have known in your lifetime.

It’s very simply…up to You…and it is Your Gift…to Open and Share as You Will.

What Are The Odds?

So I’m working with two clients and we’re walking through the mall, browsing the shops after lunch. We wandered into a pet store, pretty uneventful as all of the animals were asleep but one. I laughed with the woman next to me at her comment that this particular puppy had just escaped the confines of his crate….probably in an effort to liven things up a bit.

As I continued down the aisle I noticed two women who appeared to be a little upset, evidently over the purchase of one of the pups. As I looked down, I saw a cute little white ball of fluff near my feet. She appeared to be some kind of cross between a maltese and poodle, quite adorable and completely content to be rolling and scooting across the floor. When I looked back up, I was met by the nervous gaze of one of the women, who began to explain to me that it was her Mother’s birthday the next day and she had purchased the puppy as a gift for her. I assured her that it was a beautiful gesture and that the puppy was indeed adorable. She continued to explain that it was unusal that she even had enough money with her for the purchase, but that her Mother seemed angry with her.

At this point, the other woman began moving closer to me and stated that she wasn’t angry at all, but rather concerned that her son-in-law would be angry with her once he discovered she would be bringing another dog home, in addition to the two she already had. She explained that although the other two dogs were also quite small, a third one might not be well received by her son-in-law. The struggle etched across her face and in her posture, were quite evident and I placed my hand upon her shoulder and offered a small smile.

Her daughter, who had been standing to my right clutching a small leash, then asked if I might help her to catch her new little bundle who had been barreling up and down the aisles. I looked down behind me to my left and met two little mischievous eyes looking back at me. I knelt down and extended my hand, which was immediately met by eager little kisses. I scooped her up into my arms and as I held her close to me, felt the racing of her pulse against my chest. “You have a good heart,” was the older womans comment. “What is your name?”

I introduced myself and the two other women with me, Charlotte and Bernadette. The older woman referenced the ‘Song of Bernadette,’ as one of her favorite movies and I concurred that I loved it also and wore Saint Bernadette’s medallion around my neck. Then the woman to my right spoke, “I’m Kathy and this is my Mother Kate.” Kate asked me where I was from and then each of the other women in turn. “You have a good heart,” she stated again, “What do you do for a living?” I explained that I was a Case Manger and worked with people with physical or developmental challenges. “…a very good heart,” came her reply.

The puppy had grown calm in my arms and she had begun to leave little kisses upon my chin as I spoke. Kate’s eyes again displayed concern and she asked me if three dogs were simply too many. I laughed and confessed that perhaps I wasn’t the best person to respond to that question, having two dogs and three cats of my own.

I smiled again and asked Kate if she had held her puppy yet. She assured me that she had, then smiled and confessed that the moment she sat beside her, the puppy had climbed upon her lap and showered her with kisses also. “She’s very sweet,” I said as her daughter attached the leash to her collar and I slipped her into her arms. “She’s a birthday gift,” Kathy nervously  repeated to me. I placed my hand on her forearm and again conveyed that she was a lovely gift and things would undoubtedly unfold, precisely as they should.

“Do you like Eastham”?, asked Kate. “It’s such a quiet little town, surrounded by beaches…beautiful scenery.” I eagerly admitted that I loved the area and the Cape was both gorgeous and inspiring…an ‘Artist’s Dream.’

“I’ll be seventy-seven tomorrow,” said Kate. Her daughter, surprised said “She never tells people her age!” “I lost my husband to cancer last year and it was a very difficult time for me.” I shared that my own Mother had just endured her own battle with cancer, but thankfully, was currently deemed cancer-free. “She’s a lucky woman, your Mother…in more ways than one.” “She’s very lucky to have you.”

“Do you see her much, where does she live?” “As often as I can, she lives in RI” I replied.   “I’m lucky to have my children near me,” Kate smiled.

“Do you believe people’s paths cross for a reason?” asked Kate, taking my hand into hers.         I assured her that I was a firm believer in synchronicity. “I believe that you were sent to us today, a guardian angel…all heart.” As she squeezed my hand, she said in a quiet voice, “Everything is going to be alright, isn’t it?” I looked into the older womans eyes, both gentle and kind and smiled. “A very big heart,” she repeated and released my hand.

“Eastham is very close to Provincetown, you should visit us there when we go for the cancer walk,” suggested Kate. Kathy looked up, now grinning herself, “Do you have a business card?” “My sister Tina has a gallery there, you two should talk.”

What are the odds?

I tend never to doubt synchronicity, nor do I ever underestimate the smallest act of kindness. Who is the real recipient here anyway? Nothing done in love is ever wasted and I am continuously amazed by the generosity and compassion of others.

Today, I encountered two complete strangers and during this seemingly random exchange, reflected a small amount of light and inevitably felt its embrace. Upon leaving, I had two new friends and was dubbed Godparent to one incredibly adorable, white ball of fluff.

My Studio

 

Me & My Muse

“My Haven.  A place where dreams emerge and gifts transpire. Where soulful yearnings and wisdom conspire. Creativity plays and caresses the canvas, til she finds herself a home…all the while laughing, at what the muse…has always known.”

A Window to the Soul

 

The stillness opens its arms to me
Beckoning that I listen,
While granting my heart safe passage
Upon stubborn knees, now gently christened.

The whispers within grow stronger
With every beat of my heart,
Until lost to the world outside
I emerge amidst the solace,
within the chambers of my heart.

The voices here are clear, vibrant and alive
Awakening from slumber,
Those things, from which I hide.

Embraced by the voice of compassion, honesty and love,
My burdens bear no weight
For I am sheltered from above.

Thoughts and words flow freely
A tapestry of tears,
A gentle caress within my soul
To brush away my fears.

Gradually, I glimpse a reflection
For which there’s no disguise,
A love for me therein
Shines bright in heavens eyes.

I wander through each chamber
To remember, all that I feel,
Graced with the wisdom of knowing
That my heart has begun to heal.

Overwhelmed by gratitude
For all that I have known,
The strength that comes through trial
And the mercy I’ve been shown.

I know the gifts, which I’ve been given
Can do little else but grow,
For within the depths of every heart
Lies a window to the soul.

Copyright 1997 Tanya Lewis

Enigma

 

 

Lucid dreams

And transient thoughts

Careless whispers

Reckless heart.

Bittersweet memories

Stories untold

A single tear

And it all unfolds.

Heartache & happiness

Side by side

Desire the demon

I’m reluctant to hide.

Miles I’ve wandered

Yet mountains to climb

Love’s the enigma

I’m longing to find.