Archive for the Random Thoughts Category

12/02/12

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Tanya

Momma

Eleven days and counting

Everyone’s moved on with their lives

Including me

Business as usual

But there’s nothing ‘usual’ about it.

In the forefront of my mind

I know you’re gone

And there’s nothing I can do

To change it

I can’t turn back time

I can’t fix ‘this’

And it kills me

That we all keep clicking away

Like you were never here at all.

Your picture is so vivid

In my mind

It can’t be real

You’re just away

Like any other day.

It all went down so wrong

Nothing to show you belonged

Everyone crying

Everyone fighting

But nobody’s fighting for you

Everyone wanting something

To build memories

From fragments of you

So much time was wasted

When we should have

Been loving you.

It’s fine to say

“I wish I had”

And “Momma, I miss you now”

But where were those words

When you needed them

And why should they

Matter now?

The world keeps spinning

And my mind keeps reeling

My feet don’t touch the ground

I’ll never get used

To missing you

Or not having you around.

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Learning to Navigate

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by Tanya

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, there’s been rarely a moment to catch my breath. But today, gratefully, it’s been a good day…so I thought I would take a moment to share.

The journey that I’m referring to began approximately ten years ago, when my nephew Tyler was born. Reading my former blog entry will bring you up to speed.

Tyler & I moved to the Cape with my girlfriend Janet approximately three years ago and during that time, things have been trying to say the least. Initially, I felt as if I had awakened to an artist’s dream…I was fascinated and mesmerized by the beautiful and breath taking scenery that surrounded me. Oceans, beaches, wildlife, galleries and artists everywhere…I was immediately rooted within my version of heaven on earth. But all of this was quickly overshadowed by a storm brewing within my son.

Tyler has undergone countless evaluations and received a multitude of diagnoses. And although I’m certain this list is far from complete, so far the doctor’s have determined that he has Asthma, Allergies, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome and Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. The latter brought about a trip to the Boston Children’s Hospital for a heart catheter ablation this past June.

We have been to countless doctor’s, specialists, counselors and behavioral therapists in an effort to not only secure the proper and most appropriate care for Tyler, but also to address the behavioral issues that have recently begun to spiral out of control.

Tyler is an extremely bright boy and his development was not hindered in the least in regard to speech, walking and learning among his peers at an early age. Quite the contrary, Tyler was quickly dubbed ‘the little mayor’ due to his friendliness and talkativeness with others. He maintains a seemingly infinite wealth of knowledge and facts and is eager to share these with anyone willing to listen. He possesses an inquisitiveness that rivals none and has an imagination to match. Academic evaluations have deemed him above average or superior in most of his subjects, but socially he has begun to stumble.

Tyler’s early years were anything but usual, and he dealt with far more than I care to remember at such a young & impressionable age. Despite everything, we have arrived here…to this place of reckoning, awakening, frustration and tribulation. And now the three of us have been thrust into an arena where we are uncertain of the rules, the game plan or strategy techniques. The adults at least, are well aware of the risks & what’s at stake…but how to relate that to a child who is struggling to understand EVERYTHING….?

This summer has been wrought with behaviors, tantrums and frustration. After nearly eighteen years in the field of Human Services & Special Needs, I’d like to believe that I’m a patient person, that I possess an understanding, compassionate, empathetic and loving heart. But I would be remiss in complete honesty, if I didn’t say that all of these things have been strained and stretched to the limit these past few months in particular. I love my son with all of my heart…and he is my son, I knew it the very first moment that I held him. My sister has countless struggles of her own, and although she believes she will always be his mother…she has, in truth, been absent from day one. But this is not about her, or her struggles, or her inability to be the nurturing parent that Tyler deserves. This is about a little boy, struggling to feel comfortable in his own skin, anxious to belong, to fit in…to feel safe and loved.

Over the past few years, I have watched Tyler grow and evolve from a friendly, talkative little boy…to a child frightened of his own shadow, terrified of bugs, uncertain of his friends, unwilling to leave my side and wishing he were dead…simply because it’s bedtime.

I distinctly remember the little baby I held in my arms, the toddler so willing to please and help out…and the little boy…who begged me to stay. This is not currently that child. This child is angry…beyond words. This child, despite his intellect, reverts to baby talk and tears. This child wants to be in complete control of his surroundings and his world…this child, assumes that everyone hates him, nobody cares about him and everyone should simply die. This is the child I am currently struggling to support, the child I want to save, protect, empower and love.

He currently growls from depths, I never knew existed…spewing hatred and vile things that look abnormally wicked on his sweet and beautiful lips. I know that this hatred is meant for neither Jan or I, but it doesn’t help to lessen the pain that it ultimately inflicts. There is a tumultuous storm of anguish and emotions brewing inside of my little boy…and although we’re doing everything in our power to ultimately assist him…we haven’t a clue how to save him.

That doesn’t mean however; that either of us have given up. Despite the frayed nerves, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and confinement…we’re still here. We’re still trying and still reaching for answers that we hope one day soon…will come.

In the meantime, we haven’t wavered from a path of structure, consistency & love. What more can we do?

Despite everything, I still see the same little boy that I held in my arms and promised to love & keep safe. This path, may not be the same one that I initially envisioned…but it’s our path…and if nothing else…it’s a path still woven with LOVE.

Uncertainty

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2012 by Tanya

Standing on the edge of uncertainty can be very disconcerting.  Ordinarily, I’m not the type of person who needs to hold the reins and be in complete control of every situation. Although it does lend a certain comfort to believe that at least occasionally, I have that opportunity.

Still, there are moments when uncertainty arrives unannounced to settle upon my brow.  The immediate discomfort and weight of this burden emerges in a deep furrow of worry and my pulse begins to quicken.

Perspiration and doubt bead upon my flesh and saturate my senses and my heart beats quicker still.  Shadows descend swiftly, devouring the sunlight, stealing my courage and thrusting me small and vulnerable beneath a blanket of obscurity.  Hesitation beckons, my steadiness falters and my tongue grows bitter and thick with the foul taste of uncertainty’s poison.

My mind is ruthlessly cast into a sea of possibilities, caught up in torrents of scenarios and strife.  Logic and reason battle furiously against the tides of doubt, destined to drown should my strength dissipate before this storm subsides.

Somehow, beyond reckoning, breathless and weary, I struggle to the shore.  Then bury my face in the sand, overwhelmed by gratitude once more.

If only, I had remembered the moment uncertainty first began…to reach inside my heart and gather my Faith again.

Change

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2012 by Tanya

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. – Anatole France

I sometimes struggle with the incredible magnitude that change evokes.  Though I bear no regrets for anything I have experienced in my lifetime thus far, I have grieved some of the losses wrought by change.  Although I am wise enough to realize that change is a necessary catalyst toward growth, I am also well aware that movement in one direction also signifies distance from another. Sometimes, the need for distance is both obvious and welcomed. But what about those instances when the heart is completely unprepared for what change is about to manifest?

 

During those times, change can wreak havoc on an unsuspecting heart, leaving a multitude of feelings in its wake. Though change, by mere definition is inevitable, the ramifications are far less immediately discernible. What we are then left with is a palpable confusion that sometimes, leaves a bitter residue in our memories. Yet still, I feel no regret, but rather a thirst for understanding and perhaps compassion for what occurred. In lieu of angry words and bitterness, I have struggled over the years to elevate my thoughts to a place of understanding and empathy. Although this is rarely an easy task, it is vital to my ability to ascertain some semblance of comprehension and movement towards positive change.

 

I believe that there are various degrees of melancholy which emerge in the shadows of change, but this also seems to be a natural progression towards growth. If not for the depths of our experiences and the melange of feelings, where might we garner the wisdom imperative to proceed toward authenticity and securing our life’s purpose?

 

Change is unequivocally impartial. It effects all people, places and things in its path without reservation or hesitation. We, the recipients, are left to clear the clutter, garner what knowledge we can decipher and carry on to the promise of new heights. While doing so, tuck the memories worth treasuring close to your heart…these are undeniably part of the lessons you were meant to learn….stepping stones, to bring you a bit closer, to where you were always meant to be.

Lessons I’ve Learned – Part 1: Reflections of a Delinquent Child

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2012 by Tanya


  • Despite the varying faces I’ve made behind my parents back, it’s yet to ‘Freeze like that’.

 

  • Although I’ve yet to discover the exact location, I’m convinced that Mom definitely has ‘eyes in the back of her head.’

 

  • Contrary to all of Grandpa’s warnings, swallowing apple seeds never resulted in an apple tree spontaneously sprouting in my stomach, any more than whistling in front of Grandma’s passion plant…made it blush.

 

  • Although the ‘taste of soap in my mouth’ was never truly acquired, it did help to identify those brands that I would detest using as an adult.

 

  • Completing a chore in an exemplary fashion, may not only result in the privilege of going to a friends house, but also in assuming that task for the rest of your natural born life.

 

  • Feeding your siblings rabbit food under the guise of ‘Bran Cereal’ is never as humorous to your parents…as it was to you.

 

  • Although playing Evil Knievel and jumping over your siblings with your bicycle and a makeshift ramp may not result in immediate disaster, it could have detrimental effects on your ability to sit for awhile. (Particularly, when your little sister’s screams of “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”…causes your Mother to come running).

 

  • Cursing to either of your parents for emphasis is Never well received.  And that schoolyard joke you heard about the ‘Goddamn Ham’ and ‘passing the f***ing potatoes’ is an absolute ‘No Go’ at the dinner table (…or anywhere else on God’s Green Earth…for that matter).

 

  • There is no such thing as a ‘Free Pass.’ What they meant to call it was: ‘Say you’re sorry, accept your fate & bare your ass.’

 

  • Sometimes, the best way to trip up a liar is simply to feed her enough rope or in this instance…Candy.

 

My kid sister had been sneaking Mom’s Diet Aid Candies for weeks, a couple at a time and blaming everyone else for the deed. The candies looked and tasted like chocolate mints, but with laxative qualities.

 

During one occasion of babysitting, I noticed my sister was up to her old antics, but this time, I didn’t intervene. I watched her consume nearly an entire box of these little delacacies and bury the wrappers in all our     bedroom wastebaskets.

 

After Mom & Dad returned home, it didn’t take long to discover the recurrent crime. My sister, once again, was very helpful in pointing out the guilty parties. We, as usual, had little recourse except to accept the consequences.

 
However; there was no denying the Real culprit, when shortly before bedtime, my kid sister came flying down the stairs, tearing through the livingroom, past my parents, clutching her behind…and made a beeline for the bathroom.

 
Side note: Although in this instance, truth did prevail, bending over hysterically and falling to the floor in a fit of laughter….evidently…can still get you into a great deal of trouble.

 

 

Nobody Ever Asked Me…

Posted in Poems, Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , on March 21, 2012 by Tanya

Nobody Ever Asked Me…

if I wanted to experience pain

through the eyes of a child

if I wanted to be taken

from my parents

and placed with strangers,

if only for awhile

Nobody ever asked me,

if I wanted to be abused

in any way, shape or form

if I’d prefer shelter,

rather than battling

through the storm.

Nobody ever asked me,

if my heart could bear

to suffer

the loss of a child

if I’d miss my Father,

before scattering his ashes

across the miles

Nobody ever asked me,

if I could endure

someone’s leaving,

without ever having

said goodbye

if I would prefer laughter,

to the tears

I would cry.

Nobody ever asked me,

if I wanted to live or die.

Nobody ever asked me…

and I sometimes wonder ‘why.’

A Letter Between Friends

Posted in Blessings, Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2012 by Tanya

Dear Friend,

I really hope this letter finds you feeling a bit better and if not, I hope to lift your spirits a little by the time you finish reading. I also wanted to remind you that you aren’t a pain in any way at all. What are friends for anyway? Besides, I can recall going through a similar time and questioning my own life and purpose. There really aren’t any easy answers or solutions, but hopefully, some of what I write will help you to sift through things and evaluate them in a better light. You’re not alone and I love you.

 
The single most important purpose that we ALL have in life…is to simply LOVE. How we each choose to interpret that and implement it into our own lives, is a matter of choice…and what defines our individual lives as UNIQUE.

 
My own belief is that I should do all things with love…always. Granted, I’m no more perfect than anyone else and I have a tendency to lose sight of this when things get a little rough sometimes too. But there isn’t any shame in picking yourself back up, dusting yourself off and trying again. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to get back up and keep trying, despite obstacles and adversity. But we also need to remember, that’s it’s all a work in progress.

 
Any choice or decision you make in life, as long as the underlying reason behind everything…is one motivated by love…how could it be wrong? Of course, nothing is ever completely as cut & dry as that. When we are dealing with choices that involve other people, it also involves their own philosophies and motivations…and unfortunately, some people are motivated by a multitude of other things that simply don’t involve love in any way. And therein, lies the danger.

 
To be happy with ourselves and our own choices and lives…we need to have a firm grasp on our own beliefs and motivations…so start there. Begin to explore those things that you believe in…and why. Are they beliefs that truly belong to you, or were they something that someone else shoved in your face and said you should believe as true? It’s important to recognize those things that are ours…first.
Afterwards, you should begin defining those things that are truly important to you in your life: people, places, things, feelings….whatever. Why are they important to you? Understanding this, is one of the key answers to establishing what is important in your life and surrounding yourself with those things…rather than things that posess little or no value or weigh you down in some way.
Do you remember the signs in my house? The quotes you liked so much? This is the reason I surrounded myself with them in the first place. Gentle reminders…to surround myself with things which are positive and to adopt that attitude for myself also.

 
Think about it, if you spend time with people who spew nothing but negativity…how long before it begins to rub off on you also? It’s only a matter of time. People get stuck and frustrated everyday. They give up or resign themselves to the fact that things will never change…and so, they never bother to try. Therein lies the difference. Here’s the first quote for you to put on a plaque and display for yourself: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

 
It all begins with us alone. It’s not enough to want things to change or to sit idly by and hope that things will get better. You have to be actively involved in making that change, in ensuring that it will manifest. Start small. Nothing is so insignificant that it should be ignored. If it came to mind, it is probably of some importance to you and warrants your attention…even if it’s simply to dismiss it as no longer important to you.
For instance, maybe you prefer to enjoy your morning coffee outside, while writing a journal entry each day…but you don’t. Maybe because you wrestle with the thought that you really wouldn’t know what to write anyway. Here’s the thing: If it came to mind, there must be a reason, right? And it could be a relatively simple one. Perhaps, the mornings are peaceful & quiet and being outdoors at that time, brings you internal peace and gratification. Simply stated: It makes you happy.

 
But still, you hesitate…so is it worth being initially uncomfortable if the end result brings about some sense of happiness? This is where you learn to prioritize and determine if it’s worth it or not. You have to start somewhere…one baby step at a time.

 
So you decide, and maybe you determine that you will take your morning coffee outside, along with a notebook and simply begin. Determine that you will write for fifteen minutes, non-stop about whatever happens to come to mind…even if it’s that ‘this is the dumbest exercise I’ve ever done in my life.’ The important thing is that you took the initiative to start and there’s something else about this exercise that is helpful also. It helps to clear the clutter at the start of each new day and sometimes, it may appear as if you’re merely rambling on paper…but you’re not.

 
There are a couple of helpful things to remember: 1) This journal is meant for your eyes alone…so there is no reason to edit what you write (You can always burn it later if you choose to) and 2) If you get into the habit of clearing the clutter each morning, a remarkable thing happens after awhile. As you begin to sift through the pages of what you’ve written, you will discover what is most important to you. Those things which have a tendency to bother you or frustrate you, will also emerge. This will help with the self inventory and prioritizing I mentioned earlier. Although I used this exercise as an example, it is a tool which I found to be extremely helpful, particularly while spending so much time alone. It might be something you would like to try also.

 
Now getting back to finding our purpose in life. What I’ve written here, is my own philosophy on things and you might not agree. It doesn’t really matter, because you don’t have to agree, you simply have to assess your own beliefs and determine your own truth. It’s all very personal and unique to each individual. I believe that when my life is over and I stand before the creator, the only question I will have to answer is “How much did I love”? And I know with complete certainty, that despite what anyone else thinks…I will be able to answer “With ALL of my HEART.” That is my truth, and my belief. The rest is enhancement & quality of life.

 
I also believe that we are all born with gifts in life, those that are tangible and those that are not. Part of our journey includes discovering what these gifts might be and how to use them. I always wanted to touch souls somehow. I think that perhaps I am able to do this to some degree through my art or writing, but mostly…I find myself in a position to simply listen and then speak from the heart. I believe that these are all gifts, for me they fit what I believe my purpose is: To love, with all of my heart. When I create a new art piece: it’s a definite labor of love and it makes me feel good. Later, should someone else be moved by that same piece of art, I feel that on some level I have derived an emotion or connection and managed to some degree, to touch their soul. Make sense? Confusing at times, I’m sure. But again, it’s a very personal journey and no two are ever the same, but maybe now…you have a little better idea on where to start?

 
So what are some of the things that make you happy? A couple of my own observations, might be that you love animals and you love your children, writing and laughing. So what are some of the things you might do to bring about more happiness in your life? What about volunteering at a shelter, working with children with special needs, writing that journal or surrounding yourself with people who cause you to laugh or smile? Just things to ponder….
The important thing is that you begin to look more closely at where you derive happiness in your life. Be more patient and kind to yourself. Too often we criticize ourselves, far more harshly than we would ever consider criticizing others. Why? We deserve the same respect, don’t we? We are not infallible, we make mistakes like anyone else, so don’t we deserve the same understanding and forgiveness we offer to others so readily? We are often our own worst enemies, and we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves first. We put ourselves last in countless ways, as mothers…we are well aware of this truth. But just because something is so…doesn’t necessarily make it right either. How can we honestly extend understanding, compassion and love to others, without first opening that gift for ourselves? And that, my friend…is probably the toughest assignment that any of us will ever have to explore. But it isn’t out of the realm of things, it’s just something we haven’t allowed ourselves to genuinely experience before. We can change that at anytime, we simply need to determine that we are worth it….and before you even consider arguing otherwise….You ARE Worth It.

 
I know I’ve probably given you countless things to think about already, but as long as you’re on this path…why not start right now? Begin by being kind to yourself, just a little each day. Do something completely for you…however small. Put some make up on….just for you, because it makes you feel better…not because you necessarily plan on going anywhere. Bake those cookies you’ve been craving or eat that candybar…why not? Write in that journal you’ve been putting off or take your dog for a walk. What about making a card for your daughter and mailing it….just because. Pick yourself some flowers, to brighten your surroundings or draw a silly cartoon that makes you smile. Look into the mirror…and simply smile at the gentle eyes looking back at you…and know, that there are others who love her too.

 
You are far stronger than you give yourself credit. Already, you have experienced, conquered and surpassed more than most in your lifetime. Despite what you might believe, you are loved beyond measure and you deserve to be here. At this moment in time, know that you are precisely where you need to be. Begin with that and the rest will unfold as it should.

 

The most important thing to remember here is that it all comes down to ‘You.’ What is it that makes you happy? What do you want? Who do you want to spend time with? It’s irrelevant what anyone else wants or thinks…it’s Your Life…not theirs. And of course you’re not going to have the answers overnight, none of us do.

 
Unfortunately, we rarely get to choose the timeframe for when & how things will occur in our lives, regardless of the sense of urgency. But we never give up & we never surrender…we continue to press forward, one baby step at a time. And at some point, when we look back over our shoulders, we realize that despite the slowness & confusion of things….we have managed to progress and continue on our path, despite the obstacles & adversity. When you are able to put things in their proper perspective, it’s easier to differentiate and realize that we have grown stronger…perhaps in spite of ourselves.

 
Just remember, that it’s your choice…no matter what. The people who truly care about you, will continue to love you regardless of the choices you make. So try not to get caught up in the inane crossfire of those who believe differently. Just be true to yourself as you look to find your own path…and I’ll be here if you need any friendly advice. Okay?

 

Have an absolutely, wonderful day…You deserve it.

Tanya