Archive for Adolescence

This Morning…

Posted in Blessings, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2014 by Tanya

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November 22, 2014.

Standing in the kitchen with Tyler he holds up my hand and looks at it. Then turns it around so the palm is facing me. “Mom, do you know why there are spaces between our fingers”? I shook my head no in reply. “Why,” I asked. He placed his fingers between mine, clasping my hand tightly. “So someone else can fill them.”

“I love that,” I told him. “I’ll remember that forever. “I knew you would,” he said. “I thought it was a good time to tell you.”

❤ ❤ ❤

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Damn Your Genes Momma!

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2012 by Tanya

“Damn your genes Momma”!

That just happened to be the very first thing I heard after lifting the phone to my ear. “Oh no…you bought the Haagen Daz, didn’t you”? This of course, brought immediate laughter from my youngest daughter. “No Momma, I went with the sherbert.” “Too bad honey, I definitely would have went with the coconut macroon Haagen Daz….but then, that’s probably why I needed to bring the treadmill home too.”

“So what’s up”?

“Well, I went to the bank today to make a withdrawal, and after the teller handed me my receipt…I looked at it, then back at her, then back at the receipt again.” “This went on long enough to make both of us uncomfortable and the teller beside her to ask what was wrong.”

“Are you sure this balance is correct”? “Mom, I knew that it wasn’t, there was an additional $450.00 that obviously didn’t belong to me….not that I couldn’t have used it and I couldn’t believe I was saying it out loud….but I actually insisted to the tellers that it wasn’t mine.” “Despite the fact that their records were showing otherwise, I argued enough that they agreed to look into it and call me once they straightened things out.”

At this point I was laughing. “I’m proud of you honey, and despite what you might currently think…you did the right thing.”

Our conversation went on to discuss all of the probabilities of who the money actually belonged to, along with my daughters concern that one of the teller’s drawers might be short and the prospect of somebody having to compensate for the error. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Good things have a way of rippling out honey, in ways you could never begin to imagine.” “The good you did today, will inevitably find it’s way back to you.”

“Thanks Momma, but Nick’s gonna give me a hard time for giving it back.”

“It doesn’t matter honey, you know you did the right thing.”

“Oh jeez…hang on Momma.”

“I’m in the grocery store and I dropped some eggs….what’s that you were saying about good things happening”?

I just had to chuckle again. “It’s all about perspective baby.”

“Momma, what ARE you talking about”?

“Honey, after you dropped the eggs, did you tell somebody”?

“Yes.”

“Good…were they angry or irritated or tell you that you had to pay for them”?

“No, but I would have paid for them.”

“I know, but you’re missing the point.”

“No Momma, they weren’t angry, they actually said not to worry about it.”

“Right. They weren’t upset and you didn’t have to pay for them so it’s all good right”? “The only reason you probably dropped them to begin with is because you were preoccupied with second guessing your decision at the bank…right”?

“I love you Momma.”

“I know honey, I love you too.”

Score one for Momma’s Gene’s and Amber’s Heart.

Learning to Navigate

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by Tanya

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, there’s been rarely a moment to catch my breath. But today, gratefully, it’s been a good day…so I thought I would take a moment to share.

The journey that I’m referring to began approximately ten years ago, when my nephew Tyler was born. Reading my former blog entry will bring you up to speed.

Tyler & I moved to the Cape with my girlfriend Janet approximately three years ago and during that time, things have been trying to say the least. Initially, I felt as if I had awakened to an artist’s dream…I was fascinated and mesmerized by the beautiful and breath taking scenery that surrounded me. Oceans, beaches, wildlife, galleries and artists everywhere…I was immediately rooted within my version of heaven on earth. But all of this was quickly overshadowed by a storm brewing within my son.

Tyler has undergone countless evaluations and received a multitude of diagnoses. And although I’m certain this list is far from complete, so far the doctor’s have determined that he has Asthma, Allergies, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome and Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. The latter brought about a trip to the Boston Children’s Hospital for a heart catheter ablation this past June.

We have been to countless doctor’s, specialists, counselors and behavioral therapists in an effort to not only secure the proper and most appropriate care for Tyler, but also to address the behavioral issues that have recently begun to spiral out of control.

Tyler is an extremely bright boy and his development was not hindered in the least in regard to speech, walking and learning among his peers at an early age. Quite the contrary, Tyler was quickly dubbed ‘the little mayor’ due to his friendliness and talkativeness with others. He maintains a seemingly infinite wealth of knowledge and facts and is eager to share these with anyone willing to listen. He possesses an inquisitiveness that rivals none and has an imagination to match. Academic evaluations have deemed him above average or superior in most of his subjects, but socially he has begun to stumble.

Tyler’s early years were anything but usual, and he dealt with far more than I care to remember at such a young & impressionable age. Despite everything, we have arrived here…to this place of reckoning, awakening, frustration and tribulation. And now the three of us have been thrust into an arena where we are uncertain of the rules, the game plan or strategy techniques. The adults at least, are well aware of the risks & what’s at stake…but how to relate that to a child who is struggling to understand EVERYTHING….?

This summer has been wrought with behaviors, tantrums and frustration. After nearly eighteen years in the field of Human Services & Special Needs, I’d like to believe that I’m a patient person, that I possess an understanding, compassionate, empathetic and loving heart. But I would be remiss in complete honesty, if I didn’t say that all of these things have been strained and stretched to the limit these past few months in particular. I love my son with all of my heart…and he is my son, I knew it the very first moment that I held him. My sister has countless struggles of her own, and although she believes she will always be his mother…she has, in truth, been absent from day one. But this is not about her, or her struggles, or her inability to be the nurturing parent that Tyler deserves. This is about a little boy, struggling to feel comfortable in his own skin, anxious to belong, to fit in…to feel safe and loved.

Over the past few years, I have watched Tyler grow and evolve from a friendly, talkative little boy…to a child frightened of his own shadow, terrified of bugs, uncertain of his friends, unwilling to leave my side and wishing he were dead…simply because it’s bedtime.

I distinctly remember the little baby I held in my arms, the toddler so willing to please and help out…and the little boy…who begged me to stay. This is not currently that child. This child is angry…beyond words. This child, despite his intellect, reverts to baby talk and tears. This child wants to be in complete control of his surroundings and his world…this child, assumes that everyone hates him, nobody cares about him and everyone should simply die. This is the child I am currently struggling to support, the child I want to save, protect, empower and love.

He currently growls from depths, I never knew existed…spewing hatred and vile things that look abnormally wicked on his sweet and beautiful lips. I know that this hatred is meant for neither Jan or I, but it doesn’t help to lessen the pain that it ultimately inflicts. There is a tumultuous storm of anguish and emotions brewing inside of my little boy…and although we’re doing everything in our power to ultimately assist him…we haven’t a clue how to save him.

That doesn’t mean however; that either of us have given up. Despite the frayed nerves, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and confinement…we’re still here. We’re still trying and still reaching for answers that we hope one day soon…will come.

In the meantime, we haven’t wavered from a path of structure, consistency & love. What more can we do?

Despite everything, I still see the same little boy that I held in my arms and promised to love & keep safe. This path, may not be the same one that I initially envisioned…but it’s our path…and if nothing else…it’s a path still woven with LOVE.

The Chrysalis Project

Posted in Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by Tanya

Like most children, I spent a good portion of my youth fantasizing about who I might become when I grew up. And although there were a multitude of choices to select from, I usually exercised the child’s prerogative to change my mind on a daily basis. However; one of the things I always knew I would become was an Artist.  Even at such a young and impressionable age, I also knew that more than anything else in my lifetime, I wanted to discover a way to simply ‘Touch Souls.’ Although a clear method for this phrase has continued to elude me, the underlying concept has never changed.

Much of my adulthood has been centered within the Human Service arena, a surprising, yet rewarding detour into the lives of countless, extraordinary people. Artistically, my experiences have been varied and rewarding also, but not quite the particular caliber I would prefer. So I continue to challenge myself to be accountable and to strive towards excellence in every respect.

While contemplating all of this recently, I was struck by the realization that although I had always assumed my first love to be art, it was actually a close second to helping others.  Why something that was right in front of me had managed to elude me for so long is beyond me. But from this realization was born an idea….a brand new project to satisfy both passions in a creative arena meant to inspire, encourage and engage people in helping each other through random works of heART.

I have been working diligently to set up another website and accompanying blog with all of the specific details. I am absolutely elated at the prospect of sharing this project with everyone and hope with all of my heart that it creates the ripple effect I expect.

As soon as the sites are completed and ready for debut, I will post the appropriate links here.

In the meantime, have an absolutely wonderful day!

Beyond Justice to Mercy

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2012 by Tanya

It seems I’ve imagined you

Most of my life

The source of my anger & strife.

Caught in the madness

The tears and the sadness

I’d imagined you

Out of my life.

Bound by my anger

Heart wounded & stripped

I demanded my right

To be heard.

Unscathed by your words

And led by my pride

I shut the door on compassion

And pulled justice inside.

Where is the mercy

That I’d hoped to find

It seems in my anger

I’d left it behind.

Now here I find you

Alone with your tears

Embraced with compassion

After all of these years.

No need to remember

Nothing to forgive

All these years wasted

In an effort to live.

Where is the angry

Heart that once fell

Victim to justice

Casting mercy toward Hell.

Wrapped in the arms

Of a grace unknown

Filled with a love

I might never have shown.

Mirror, Mirror

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2012 by Tanya

Who told you

That you weren’t beautiful

That you were never meant to be,

Who chastised you

Then turned away

If you acted childishly?

 

Who silenced your laughter

And swung the rod

While demanding your respect,

All the while shouting

They only ‘gave’

What you ought to get?

 

Who told you

You were worthless

And flushed your self-esteem,

Who buried all your hopes & dreams

And taught you how to scream?

 

For years

You’ve known tears & heartache

Disillusionment & fear,

Who told you

They were yours to carry,

Yours alone to bear?

 

Should you happen upon a mirror

And take the time to see,

The beautiful eyes looking back at you

May one day look at me.

 

Please ask them to be gentle

As they search within your soul,

Longing for the answers

You hope will make you whole.

 

Allow your heart to surface

And the tears you’ve held within,

Release your heavy burden

So that healing…might begin.

 

In the stillness

Of the moment,

Now down on bended knee

Know the good Lord’s loving you…

Just as He does me.

 

Embrace the power

Of His touch

And all you were meant to be,

If you listen

With your heart

You’ll possess the key.

 

Awaken the sound

Of your laughter

Grant your dreams their flight,

It doesn’t matter

What you were told…

That doesn’t make it ‘right.’

 

Who said

The battle’s over?

In fact,

It’s just begun…

And if you can learn

To love yourself…

Then you’ve already won.

The Race

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2012 by Tanya

 

Sometimes I get discouraged

Not knowing what to do,

When it seems, I’ve tried my hardest

Just to struggle through.

I rush and work

Then lose my place

In an effort,

To pick up the pace.

For every little step forward

I’m suddenly behind,

Questioning my direction

And all I’d hoped to find.

At times, 

I feel confused

And everything seems wrong,

Then suddenly,

I’m feeling tired

And not the least bit strong.

So I close my eyes

And rest awhile,

And let the tears begin

Until I start to remember…

There’s no Race

For me to win.

Beneath the hustle & hurry

Are the things

I’d thought I lost,

More precious to me

Than diamonds,

Far dearer

Than any cost.

Two little arms

Around my neck,

A kiss, and maybe a smile

For any one of these,

I’d run countless miles.

“I love you mommy”

Brings me back,

And I can’t help but grin…

To think

I’ve already claimed the prize…

For a Race

I didn’t win.