Archive for Change

In the Eye of the Storm

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2012 by Tanya

“When the world is in chaos, we can still have our own inner peace and maintain a sense of calm in a sea of unrest.”

-Madisyn Taylor

People who manage to maintain a calm and peaceful demeanor, despite the turmoil around them, seem to possess a magnetism that draws others to them. This calm exterior permeates from within and becomes instantly infectious and gratifying to most everyone that surrounds them.

Moments of confusion and chaos often precede blessings of clarity. During times of perceived darkness, it serves our hearts and perspectives well to remember that storms exist to afford us the opportunities to delve deep within ourselves and to extract whatever is necessary, from a pool of resources we had long since believed to be exhausted.

Maintaining a sense of inner peace and calm is imperative to successfully navigating through life’s storms.

If we can learn to locate and focus on the stillness that resides in the innermost chambers of our hearts, then we can derive and maintain composure in nearly any situation that occurs.

It isn’t mandatory that we comprehend the chaos, many of us rarely do. Neither is it realistic to believe that we could accurately predict how circumstances might unfold. Rather, what is important to remember…is how to access our own inner peace and calm, particularly when life’s storms begin to gather.

Cultivate your inner clarity through meaningful activities that perpetuate stillness and quiets your inner voice. Meditate, go for a walk, sit with nature, write, sketch, paint…create.

Whatever you choose to do, allow your heart to embrace the stillness and discover the haven reserved for you. Illuminate your soul with such tranquility, that it will lead you through even the most tumultuous of ebony storms. You will emerge victorious a midst a whirlwind of chaos…stronger, wiser and with clarity and the presence of mind to calm it all…

Again…and again…and again.

If we remember to delve deep, despite the chaos, everything we’ll ever need…already exists inside…patiently awaiting…our discovery.

“Do not be deceived by your senses,

Your feelings of fear and uncertainty,

For even as the tempest may howl,

Just beyond

Lies a serenity,

That you would

Not find otherwise.”

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Learning to Navigate

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by Tanya

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, there’s been rarely a moment to catch my breath. But today, gratefully, it’s been a good day…so I thought I would take a moment to share.

The journey that I’m referring to began approximately ten years ago, when my nephew Tyler was born. Reading my former blog entry will bring you up to speed.

Tyler & I moved to the Cape with my girlfriend Janet approximately three years ago and during that time, things have been trying to say the least. Initially, I felt as if I had awakened to an artist’s dream…I was fascinated and mesmerized by the beautiful and breath taking scenery that surrounded me. Oceans, beaches, wildlife, galleries and artists everywhere…I was immediately rooted within my version of heaven on earth. But all of this was quickly overshadowed by a storm brewing within my son.

Tyler has undergone countless evaluations and received a multitude of diagnoses. And although I’m certain this list is far from complete, so far the doctor’s have determined that he has Asthma, Allergies, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome and Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. The latter brought about a trip to the Boston Children’s Hospital for a heart catheter ablation this past June.

We have been to countless doctor’s, specialists, counselors and behavioral therapists in an effort to not only secure the proper and most appropriate care for Tyler, but also to address the behavioral issues that have recently begun to spiral out of control.

Tyler is an extremely bright boy and his development was not hindered in the least in regard to speech, walking and learning among his peers at an early age. Quite the contrary, Tyler was quickly dubbed ‘the little mayor’ due to his friendliness and talkativeness with others. He maintains a seemingly infinite wealth of knowledge and facts and is eager to share these with anyone willing to listen. He possesses an inquisitiveness that rivals none and has an imagination to match. Academic evaluations have deemed him above average or superior in most of his subjects, but socially he has begun to stumble.

Tyler’s early years were anything but usual, and he dealt with far more than I care to remember at such a young & impressionable age. Despite everything, we have arrived here…to this place of reckoning, awakening, frustration and tribulation. And now the three of us have been thrust into an arena where we are uncertain of the rules, the game plan or strategy techniques. The adults at least, are well aware of the risks & what’s at stake…but how to relate that to a child who is struggling to understand EVERYTHING….?

This summer has been wrought with behaviors, tantrums and frustration. After nearly eighteen years in the field of Human Services & Special Needs, I’d like to believe that I’m a patient person, that I possess an understanding, compassionate, empathetic and loving heart. But I would be remiss in complete honesty, if I didn’t say that all of these things have been strained and stretched to the limit these past few months in particular. I love my son with all of my heart…and he is my son, I knew it the very first moment that I held him. My sister has countless struggles of her own, and although she believes she will always be his mother…she has, in truth, been absent from day one. But this is not about her, or her struggles, or her inability to be the nurturing parent that Tyler deserves. This is about a little boy, struggling to feel comfortable in his own skin, anxious to belong, to fit in…to feel safe and loved.

Over the past few years, I have watched Tyler grow and evolve from a friendly, talkative little boy…to a child frightened of his own shadow, terrified of bugs, uncertain of his friends, unwilling to leave my side and wishing he were dead…simply because it’s bedtime.

I distinctly remember the little baby I held in my arms, the toddler so willing to please and help out…and the little boy…who begged me to stay. This is not currently that child. This child is angry…beyond words. This child, despite his intellect, reverts to baby talk and tears. This child wants to be in complete control of his surroundings and his world…this child, assumes that everyone hates him, nobody cares about him and everyone should simply die. This is the child I am currently struggling to support, the child I want to save, protect, empower and love.

He currently growls from depths, I never knew existed…spewing hatred and vile things that look abnormally wicked on his sweet and beautiful lips. I know that this hatred is meant for neither Jan or I, but it doesn’t help to lessen the pain that it ultimately inflicts. There is a tumultuous storm of anguish and emotions brewing inside of my little boy…and although we’re doing everything in our power to ultimately assist him…we haven’t a clue how to save him.

That doesn’t mean however; that either of us have given up. Despite the frayed nerves, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and confinement…we’re still here. We’re still trying and still reaching for answers that we hope one day soon…will come.

In the meantime, we haven’t wavered from a path of structure, consistency & love. What more can we do?

Despite everything, I still see the same little boy that I held in my arms and promised to love & keep safe. This path, may not be the same one that I initially envisioned…but it’s our path…and if nothing else…it’s a path still woven with LOVE.

Always Something to Be Grateful For….

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2012 by Tanya

 

In the grand scheme of things, I doubt that I am any different than most other folks. Although I do tend to toss in the occasional curve ball now and then, just for giggles and to keep everyone on their toes. 🙂

 

Most days, I tend to remain pretty positive and optimistic and focus on trying to leave a little something, that perhaps wasn’t here the day before. But every once in awhile, despite my best efforts, one of those dreary, sorta days sneak in and try to rain on my parade. Unfortunately, although I’d like to believe I’m simply immune to them now…Truth is, I’m still just as vulnerable as everyone else.

 

There are still times, when a careless comment is able to pierce this rusty, old armor and derive even the smallest amount of pain. And although I’d also like to believe that I’m basically, pretty well ‘behaved,’ even I have my moments when I know with complete certainty that I could throw the mother of all tantrums, crushing everything in my wake. That’s usually about the time a little alarm sounds off somewhere deep inside of me and I realize that I’ve strayed horribly off course.

 

Reeling myself back in and regaining my composure and a proper sense of perspective can sometimes be an excruciatingly daunting task, particularly when my emotions are involved. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve also come to realize that harboring any ill feelings or negativity towards others is beyond detrimental to me. It ultimately robs me of all of those wonderful facets that have evolved into who I am today. And at this point in my life, I don’t intend to relinquish that for anyone.

 

It’s taken alot of soul searching, self inventory, mis-steps, mistakes and growth to get to this place in time….but it was worth it.

 

Now, when faced with those things, people, comments or actions which threaten to steer me off course, I try to refocus my energy in the direction of gratitude instead. The negativity doesn’t warrant my attention and serves no purpose other than to derail me and inflict pain in some way…so I choose to dismiss it.

 

When I turn my attention towards gratitude, I begin to uncover the blessings that surround me on a daily basis and my spirit is immediately uplifted. A very simple, but effective technique for placing distance between myself and negativity. It seems I always manage to come full circle…just to discover what I’ve really, always had. A gentle reminder, I suppose, to slow down occasionally and breathe in my surroundings and the blessings that abound.

 

It’s that attitude of gratitude that lifts me to where I need to be and reminds me that I genuinely have so very much to be thankful for in my life. When I take this attitude into each new day and share it in some small way, with the hope of brightening someone else’s day…how can blessings do anything BUT multiply?

 

There is always, always, always….’Something’ to be Grateful for.

 

I’m’ just me’…but I want to be the ‘best me’ I can possibly be.

 

Have an absolutely wonderful day 🙂

Uncertainty

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2012 by Tanya

Standing on the edge of uncertainty can be very disconcerting.  Ordinarily, I’m not the type of person who needs to hold the reins and be in complete control of every situation. Although it does lend a certain comfort to believe that at least occasionally, I have that opportunity.

Still, there are moments when uncertainty arrives unannounced to settle upon my brow.  The immediate discomfort and weight of this burden emerges in a deep furrow of worry and my pulse begins to quicken.

Perspiration and doubt bead upon my flesh and saturate my senses and my heart beats quicker still.  Shadows descend swiftly, devouring the sunlight, stealing my courage and thrusting me small and vulnerable beneath a blanket of obscurity.  Hesitation beckons, my steadiness falters and my tongue grows bitter and thick with the foul taste of uncertainty’s poison.

My mind is ruthlessly cast into a sea of possibilities, caught up in torrents of scenarios and strife.  Logic and reason battle furiously against the tides of doubt, destined to drown should my strength dissipate before this storm subsides.

Somehow, beyond reckoning, breathless and weary, I struggle to the shore.  Then bury my face in the sand, overwhelmed by gratitude once more.

If only, I had remembered the moment uncertainty first began…to reach inside my heart and gather my Faith again.

The Chrysalis Project

Posted in Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by Tanya

Like most children, I spent a good portion of my youth fantasizing about who I might become when I grew up. And although there were a multitude of choices to select from, I usually exercised the child’s prerogative to change my mind on a daily basis. However; one of the things I always knew I would become was an Artist.  Even at such a young and impressionable age, I also knew that more than anything else in my lifetime, I wanted to discover a way to simply ‘Touch Souls.’ Although a clear method for this phrase has continued to elude me, the underlying concept has never changed.

Much of my adulthood has been centered within the Human Service arena, a surprising, yet rewarding detour into the lives of countless, extraordinary people. Artistically, my experiences have been varied and rewarding also, but not quite the particular caliber I would prefer. So I continue to challenge myself to be accountable and to strive towards excellence in every respect.

While contemplating all of this recently, I was struck by the realization that although I had always assumed my first love to be art, it was actually a close second to helping others.  Why something that was right in front of me had managed to elude me for so long is beyond me. But from this realization was born an idea….a brand new project to satisfy both passions in a creative arena meant to inspire, encourage and engage people in helping each other through random works of heART.

I have been working diligently to set up another website and accompanying blog with all of the specific details. I am absolutely elated at the prospect of sharing this project with everyone and hope with all of my heart that it creates the ripple effect I expect.

As soon as the sites are completed and ready for debut, I will post the appropriate links here.

In the meantime, have an absolutely wonderful day!

Change

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2012 by Tanya

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. – Anatole France

I sometimes struggle with the incredible magnitude that change evokes.  Though I bear no regrets for anything I have experienced in my lifetime thus far, I have grieved some of the losses wrought by change.  Although I am wise enough to realize that change is a necessary catalyst toward growth, I am also well aware that movement in one direction also signifies distance from another. Sometimes, the need for distance is both obvious and welcomed. But what about those instances when the heart is completely unprepared for what change is about to manifest?

 

During those times, change can wreak havoc on an unsuspecting heart, leaving a multitude of feelings in its wake. Though change, by mere definition is inevitable, the ramifications are far less immediately discernible. What we are then left with is a palpable confusion that sometimes, leaves a bitter residue in our memories. Yet still, I feel no regret, but rather a thirst for understanding and perhaps compassion for what occurred. In lieu of angry words and bitterness, I have struggled over the years to elevate my thoughts to a place of understanding and empathy. Although this is rarely an easy task, it is vital to my ability to ascertain some semblance of comprehension and movement towards positive change.

 

I believe that there are various degrees of melancholy which emerge in the shadows of change, but this also seems to be a natural progression towards growth. If not for the depths of our experiences and the melange of feelings, where might we garner the wisdom imperative to proceed toward authenticity and securing our life’s purpose?

 

Change is unequivocally impartial. It effects all people, places and things in its path without reservation or hesitation. We, the recipients, are left to clear the clutter, garner what knowledge we can decipher and carry on to the promise of new heights. While doing so, tuck the memories worth treasuring close to your heart…these are undeniably part of the lessons you were meant to learn….stepping stones, to bring you a bit closer, to where you were always meant to be.