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Unspoken Goodbyes…

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2013 by Tanya

Unspoken Goodbyes

Undoubtedly one of the most difficult things to come to terms with are unspoken goodbyes.
Regardless of who it was that left, how or why…their absence creates a noticeable void.
Sometimes, even if the person that left was you, words left unspoken can drive you to distraction and leave you replaying scenarios in your mind.

They may often decrease in occurrence, but they exist nonetheless. Unwelcome shadows with the power to dim, if not obstruct your sunshine.

It’s that maddening missed opportunity that often plagues us after the fact.

What might you have said, had you had the option?

People who have passed on unexpectedly. Friends or loved ones who have elected to move on.
Those people you have chosen to walk away from without any form of real closure.

What is it that binds our thoughts with emotion and the desire to punctuate the end of every
sentence?

Why is it that even when we are certain we’ve moved on, part of us remains to attend to that
which was left unspoken?

For me, I believe there exists a need to ’cause no harm.’ Consequently, I worry that in some
ways perhaps I have and I find that to be completely unacceptable. I’m far from perfect, but
I don’t wish to be callous either, particularly with someone else’s emotions.

It troubles me that there are those people whom I irrefutably loved in my lifetime that elected
to exit without a goodbye and I am left with an overactive imagination and the question of ‘why’?

If I were to merely draw upon logic and reason, perhaps I could justify overriding my emotions
with a definitive refusal to care…but somehow I doubt that. Because I do care…very much.
It’s an extremely large part of who I am and who I’ve become.

Which leads me to an alternate reflection of unspoken goodbyes:

Unspoken gratitude.

Despite the awkwardness or regret which can often filter in with the absence of a goodbye,
at some point I regain the ability to turn the majority of my attention toward a more positive
light.

I begin to sift through memories still cherished and able to produce a smile. I reflect on
all of those things which made that particular moment in my life a necessary and vital piece
of the puzzle that helped to decipher who I am today.

It’s never easy and of course it still hurts. But for me it’s imperative if I’m to maintain any
sense of sanity or understanding. I find it far easier than drowning myself in despair over
something I often have no control over.

If I am able to be grateful for that person’s presence in my life, rather than being bound by
their absence…then I am able to look upon that time together as a gift and move forward.

“People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime”….and I believe that to be true.

There are a multitude of lessons to be learned if we allow ourselves the opportunity to listen
to their echos…even in the absence of a goodbye.

Monarch

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Learning to Navigate

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by Tanya

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, there’s been rarely a moment to catch my breath. But today, gratefully, it’s been a good day…so I thought I would take a moment to share.

The journey that I’m referring to began approximately ten years ago, when my nephew Tyler was born. Reading my former blog entry will bring you up to speed.

Tyler & I moved to the Cape with my girlfriend Janet approximately three years ago and during that time, things have been trying to say the least. Initially, I felt as if I had awakened to an artist’s dream…I was fascinated and mesmerized by the beautiful and breath taking scenery that surrounded me. Oceans, beaches, wildlife, galleries and artists everywhere…I was immediately rooted within my version of heaven on earth. But all of this was quickly overshadowed by a storm brewing within my son.

Tyler has undergone countless evaluations and received a multitude of diagnoses. And although I’m certain this list is far from complete, so far the doctor’s have determined that he has Asthma, Allergies, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome and Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. The latter brought about a trip to the Boston Children’s Hospital for a heart catheter ablation this past June.

We have been to countless doctor’s, specialists, counselors and behavioral therapists in an effort to not only secure the proper and most appropriate care for Tyler, but also to address the behavioral issues that have recently begun to spiral out of control.

Tyler is an extremely bright boy and his development was not hindered in the least in regard to speech, walking and learning among his peers at an early age. Quite the contrary, Tyler was quickly dubbed ‘the little mayor’ due to his friendliness and talkativeness with others. He maintains a seemingly infinite wealth of knowledge and facts and is eager to share these with anyone willing to listen. He possesses an inquisitiveness that rivals none and has an imagination to match. Academic evaluations have deemed him above average or superior in most of his subjects, but socially he has begun to stumble.

Tyler’s early years were anything but usual, and he dealt with far more than I care to remember at such a young & impressionable age. Despite everything, we have arrived here…to this place of reckoning, awakening, frustration and tribulation. And now the three of us have been thrust into an arena where we are uncertain of the rules, the game plan or strategy techniques. The adults at least, are well aware of the risks & what’s at stake…but how to relate that to a child who is struggling to understand EVERYTHING….?

This summer has been wrought with behaviors, tantrums and frustration. After nearly eighteen years in the field of Human Services & Special Needs, I’d like to believe that I’m a patient person, that I possess an understanding, compassionate, empathetic and loving heart. But I would be remiss in complete honesty, if I didn’t say that all of these things have been strained and stretched to the limit these past few months in particular. I love my son with all of my heart…and he is my son, I knew it the very first moment that I held him. My sister has countless struggles of her own, and although she believes she will always be his mother…she has, in truth, been absent from day one. But this is not about her, or her struggles, or her inability to be the nurturing parent that Tyler deserves. This is about a little boy, struggling to feel comfortable in his own skin, anxious to belong, to fit in…to feel safe and loved.

Over the past few years, I have watched Tyler grow and evolve from a friendly, talkative little boy…to a child frightened of his own shadow, terrified of bugs, uncertain of his friends, unwilling to leave my side and wishing he were dead…simply because it’s bedtime.

I distinctly remember the little baby I held in my arms, the toddler so willing to please and help out…and the little boy…who begged me to stay. This is not currently that child. This child is angry…beyond words. This child, despite his intellect, reverts to baby talk and tears. This child wants to be in complete control of his surroundings and his world…this child, assumes that everyone hates him, nobody cares about him and everyone should simply die. This is the child I am currently struggling to support, the child I want to save, protect, empower and love.

He currently growls from depths, I never knew existed…spewing hatred and vile things that look abnormally wicked on his sweet and beautiful lips. I know that this hatred is meant for neither Jan or I, but it doesn’t help to lessen the pain that it ultimately inflicts. There is a tumultuous storm of anguish and emotions brewing inside of my little boy…and although we’re doing everything in our power to ultimately assist him…we haven’t a clue how to save him.

That doesn’t mean however; that either of us have given up. Despite the frayed nerves, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and confinement…we’re still here. We’re still trying and still reaching for answers that we hope one day soon…will come.

In the meantime, we haven’t wavered from a path of structure, consistency & love. What more can we do?

Despite everything, I still see the same little boy that I held in my arms and promised to love & keep safe. This path, may not be the same one that I initially envisioned…but it’s our path…and if nothing else…it’s a path still woven with LOVE.

Always Something to Be Grateful For….

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2012 by Tanya

 

In the grand scheme of things, I doubt that I am any different than most other folks. Although I do tend to toss in the occasional curve ball now and then, just for giggles and to keep everyone on their toes. 🙂

 

Most days, I tend to remain pretty positive and optimistic and focus on trying to leave a little something, that perhaps wasn’t here the day before. But every once in awhile, despite my best efforts, one of those dreary, sorta days sneak in and try to rain on my parade. Unfortunately, although I’d like to believe I’m simply immune to them now…Truth is, I’m still just as vulnerable as everyone else.

 

There are still times, when a careless comment is able to pierce this rusty, old armor and derive even the smallest amount of pain. And although I’d also like to believe that I’m basically, pretty well ‘behaved,’ even I have my moments when I know with complete certainty that I could throw the mother of all tantrums, crushing everything in my wake. That’s usually about the time a little alarm sounds off somewhere deep inside of me and I realize that I’ve strayed horribly off course.

 

Reeling myself back in and regaining my composure and a proper sense of perspective can sometimes be an excruciatingly daunting task, particularly when my emotions are involved. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve also come to realize that harboring any ill feelings or negativity towards others is beyond detrimental to me. It ultimately robs me of all of those wonderful facets that have evolved into who I am today. And at this point in my life, I don’t intend to relinquish that for anyone.

 

It’s taken alot of soul searching, self inventory, mis-steps, mistakes and growth to get to this place in time….but it was worth it.

 

Now, when faced with those things, people, comments or actions which threaten to steer me off course, I try to refocus my energy in the direction of gratitude instead. The negativity doesn’t warrant my attention and serves no purpose other than to derail me and inflict pain in some way…so I choose to dismiss it.

 

When I turn my attention towards gratitude, I begin to uncover the blessings that surround me on a daily basis and my spirit is immediately uplifted. A very simple, but effective technique for placing distance between myself and negativity. It seems I always manage to come full circle…just to discover what I’ve really, always had. A gentle reminder, I suppose, to slow down occasionally and breathe in my surroundings and the blessings that abound.

 

It’s that attitude of gratitude that lifts me to where I need to be and reminds me that I genuinely have so very much to be thankful for in my life. When I take this attitude into each new day and share it in some small way, with the hope of brightening someone else’s day…how can blessings do anything BUT multiply?

 

There is always, always, always….’Something’ to be Grateful for.

 

I’m’ just me’…but I want to be the ‘best me’ I can possibly be.

 

Have an absolutely wonderful day 🙂

The Chrysalis Project

Posted in Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 by Tanya

Like most children, I spent a good portion of my youth fantasizing about who I might become when I grew up. And although there were a multitude of choices to select from, I usually exercised the child’s prerogative to change my mind on a daily basis. However; one of the things I always knew I would become was an Artist.  Even at such a young and impressionable age, I also knew that more than anything else in my lifetime, I wanted to discover a way to simply ‘Touch Souls.’ Although a clear method for this phrase has continued to elude me, the underlying concept has never changed.

Much of my adulthood has been centered within the Human Service arena, a surprising, yet rewarding detour into the lives of countless, extraordinary people. Artistically, my experiences have been varied and rewarding also, but not quite the particular caliber I would prefer. So I continue to challenge myself to be accountable and to strive towards excellence in every respect.

While contemplating all of this recently, I was struck by the realization that although I had always assumed my first love to be art, it was actually a close second to helping others.  Why something that was right in front of me had managed to elude me for so long is beyond me. But from this realization was born an idea….a brand new project to satisfy both passions in a creative arena meant to inspire, encourage and engage people in helping each other through random works of heART.

I have been working diligently to set up another website and accompanying blog with all of the specific details. I am absolutely elated at the prospect of sharing this project with everyone and hope with all of my heart that it creates the ripple effect I expect.

As soon as the sites are completed and ready for debut, I will post the appropriate links here.

In the meantime, have an absolutely wonderful day!

Disconnected

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2012 by Tanya

I thought of you today

And wondered how you’ve been.

It’s been awhile now

And then, those letters

I’d meant to send.

Times are tough all over

You know how things can get,

What with kids & work & bills & things

Just slipped my mind

I guess.

I’ve picked up the phone

A hundred times

And knew that I should call,

But it was always too late

Or too Early,

So I just didn’t call at all.

I knew I should

Just make the trip

It’s really not that far,

But then,

There’s the price of gasoline

And the hassles with the car.

I read about you

In the paper tonight,

And I just can’t believe you’re gone…

I should have made the time for you

While you were…with me…

All along.

At What Point in Time

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2012 by Tanya

At what point in time
did it become vital
to cross my legs at the knees
before a simple sneeze,
or cross a room
and have to rest
before I start to wheeze?

At what point in time
when I sat
did things settle
and the effort
require a nap,
when did I switch
between the pot & the kettle
and suddenly
desire a map?

At what point in time
did I start losing my teeth
where dentures
were the only choice,
and between the heartburn & snoring
I cringe
at the sound
of my voice?

At what point in time
did I simply relent
to wish on a star
just to open a jar
and despite my bodys descent,
Prayed for WD40
and begged the dear Lord
would He
mend all the joints
that were spent?

At what point in time
did my arms begin to recede
and shrivel too short to read,
why does the simple
act of standing
cause my knees
to plead?

At what point in time
did I develop
a counter balance
between my belly & bum,
why is it I barely
remember my name
or even where I’m from?

At what point in time
did my clothes cease to fit,
and my breasts
drop below
where I usually sit?

At what point in time
did my thighs
start to rub,
I fear the friction
may cause a fire,
I’m afraid, I could cry
and I don’t want to fry,
but the thought of running
makes me perspire.

At what point in time
did I start to send for a friend
when I merely
wanted to bend,
and though I never
intend to offend,
the farts depart more
in the end.

At what point in time
did I develop whiskers
and require various razors & creams,
when did I realize
with certainty,
I had Sasquatch
in my genes?

At what point in time
did my sense of smell
get shot to hell
and my age no longer lie,
when did passing a mirror
make me want to hide?

My reflection
is a joke
an image I’d like to poke,
wrinkles & sags
a hag wrapped in bags,
who I haven’t
the strength
to choke.

At what point in time
did creaks & groans
take the place
of sheets & moans,
and why now
when I’m grown,
would my mind be blown,
if I found myself
ALONE?

Beyond Justice to Mercy

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2012 by Tanya

It seems I’ve imagined you

Most of my life

The source of my anger & strife.

Caught in the madness

The tears and the sadness

I’d imagined you

Out of my life.

Bound by my anger

Heart wounded & stripped

I demanded my right

To be heard.

Unscathed by your words

And led by my pride

I shut the door on compassion

And pulled justice inside.

Where is the mercy

That I’d hoped to find

It seems in my anger

I’d left it behind.

Now here I find you

Alone with your tears

Embraced with compassion

After all of these years.

No need to remember

Nothing to forgive

All these years wasted

In an effort to live.

Where is the angry

Heart that once fell

Victim to justice

Casting mercy toward Hell.

Wrapped in the arms

Of a grace unknown

Filled with a love

I might never have shown.