Archive for Momma

This Morning…

Posted in Blessings, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2014 by Tanya

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November 22, 2014.

Standing in the kitchen with Tyler he holds up my hand and looks at it. Then turns it around so the palm is facing me. “Mom, do you know why there are spaces between our fingers”? I shook my head no in reply. “Why,” I asked. He placed his fingers between mine, clasping my hand tightly. “So someone else can fill them.”

“I love that,” I told him. “I’ll remember that forever. “I knew you would,” he said. “I thought it was a good time to tell you.”

❤ ❤ ❤

The Little Things

Posted in Blessings, Synchronicity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2013 by Tanya

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It’s always been about the little things, but too often I get caught up in the chaos of everyday, lost inside my thoughts and forget what I’ve always known. Today, I remembered.

All of the things I deem important on a daily basis, pale in comparison to the little things when I actually take the time to notice. Funny, how I always have to come full circle to discover what I’ve always known. But then, I suppose that’s part of my particular path. Perhaps part of my personal lesson is to repeat what’s important until I remember without question, without hesitation and without prompting. In all fairness though, this time was a bit more difficult. Mom’s sudden passing left me feeling uprooted, a bit lost and very aware of my own mortality. I’ve lost many people in my life, my son, my father, other relatives and friends…but this time, it was Mom…and that made it exceptionally unique.

I’ve spent the better part of the day wandering around to determine how I’d like to spend my day off. During that time, I’ve walked through our gardens, sketched in the front yard, smelled the beautiful fragrance of lilacs, roses and lilies, watched the bees carrying on about their business and listened to the doves, sparrows and orioles singing everywhere. I found myself smiling at the simplicity of it all. I’m always in such a hurry to cram everything into that one day off, to accomplish something so spectacularly worthwhile, that I overlook the obvious. I am happy.

I have been blessed in so many ways and it’s never the huge monumental things that truly make me smile. It’s the little things.

  • Hearing my children or my partner say “I love you.”
  • Amber calling to check on me or to say “Momma, I miss u face.”
  • Misty giggling into the phone or uploading the latest videos of my beautiful grandson.
  •  Tyler writing ‘Lewis’ on all of his schoolwork and reminding me that I need to add his birthstone to my Mother’s ring.
  • Being greeted at the door after work by an over zealous beagle, eager to relay the hardships she’s endured while I was away.
  • Knowing that Jan is always there to come home to.

I am surrounded by friends and family and although we no longer live in the same state, the distance between hearts is never very far. Which reminds me….

A few weeks ago, my Mom had been on my mind quite a bit and as I stood in the kitchen washing dishes, I was contemplating all of the things that had occurred and all of the things I wish I had done. In my heart, I cried out to my Mother for answers and immediately heard a loud noise behind me. I spun around and walked toward a shadow box hanging on the wall and let my eyes fall to the floor beneath it. There I saw a Christmas ornament lying on the floor. As I stooped to pick it up, I noticed that it had Eeyore on it and realized that I hadn’t ever recalled it being there before. I replaced it on the shelf and returned to the dishes wondering what in the world the significance of Eeyore might be. Later that night, when I relayed the story to Jan, she smiled and said “Honey, I think maybe you’re missing the point here.” When I asked what she meant, she stated simply “that perhaps there isn’t any significance to Eeyore, but rather that you called out to your Mother…and got a response.”

Leave it to me to take the difficult route. 🙂

Two weeks ago, I had gone into the kitchen to make some toast. It was beautiful outside and we had all of the windows open for the first time this year. Unlike Jan who apparently has an internal furnace, I must possess an internal iceberg, I’m always cold. In any case, I’m standing in front of the toaster oven with my hands stretched out and warming in front of it when I happened to look back up at the shadow box beside me. The ornament was still in place, but from the corner of my eye I noticed something flashing to the right. I turned my head to see a key chain dangling from the side flashing the word “Mom.” I ran immediately to the other room to grab my glasses, just to be certain of what it was I was seeing. Sure enough…it was Mom. Kinda freaked me out…but in a good way. I later checked with Jan and she said the key chain had been hanging there for about six months, apparently I just never noticed…until it was important I guess.

It’s the little things.

At Christmas this year, I had decided to decorate a special tree in honor of both of our Mothers. I bought a small rosemary tree and embellished it with silk monarch butterflies. It survived for quite awhile and has since been placed outside. Last week I came home to discover that Jan had placed the Monarchs throughout the kitchen and the front room of the house. One of them was placed carefully on the key chain at the corner of the shadow box. ❤

It will always be about the ‘ little things’….and maybe now, I’ll remember.

 

 

 

Moving On

Posted in Blessings, Poems, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2012 by Tanya

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Eventually,

as the pangs of hurt

begin to subside

and are replaced

by the dull ache

and awareness

of void.

The senses return

however raw

from the trauma

of  unexpected change

and loss.

Moments of yesterday

seep through

the pages of today

and melancholy

slips unhindered

from the corners

of your eyes.

Time is not your enemy

although it no longer

resembles a friend.

Faced with the mirror

of mortality

and a journey

that ultimately ends.

You search the heavens

for solace

and pray that someone hears

each aching beat

of your heart

and erases

the moment

that awakened fear.

When the realization

emerges

That the world

isn’t going to cease

merely because

you have no desire

to haul yourself

out of bed

that your responsibilities

will not

complete themselves

despite your wishing

they would.

Perhaps then,

you will begin

to acknowledge

that regardless

of how deep your sorrow

you are breathing still

and moving on

doesn’t mean

that you’ve forgotten.

It simply means

that you’re learning

to accept what happened

…enough…

to continue living.

12/02/12

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Tanya

Momma

Eleven days and counting

Everyone’s moved on with their lives

Including me

Business as usual

But there’s nothing ‘usual’ about it.

In the forefront of my mind

I know you’re gone

And there’s nothing I can do

To change it

I can’t turn back time

I can’t fix ‘this’

And it kills me

That we all keep clicking away

Like you were never here at all.

Your picture is so vivid

In my mind

It can’t be real

You’re just away

Like any other day.

It all went down so wrong

Nothing to show you belonged

Everyone crying

Everyone fighting

But nobody’s fighting for you

Everyone wanting something

To build memories

From fragments of you

So much time was wasted

When we should have

Been loving you.

It’s fine to say

“I wish I had”

And “Momma, I miss you now”

But where were those words

When you needed them

And why should they

Matter now?

The world keeps spinning

And my mind keeps reeling

My feet don’t touch the ground

I’ll never get used

To missing you

Or not having you around.

For Momma 02/28/45 – 11/21/12

Posted in Blessings with tags on December 3, 2012 by Tanya
I Love You

I Love You

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