Archive for motherhood

This Morning…

Posted in Blessings, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2014 by Tanya

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November 22, 2014.

Standing in the kitchen with Tyler he holds up my hand and looks at it. Then turns it around so the palm is facing me. “Mom, do you know why there are spaces between our fingers”? I shook my head no in reply. “Why,” I asked. He placed his fingers between mine, clasping my hand tightly. “So someone else can fill them.”

“I love that,” I told him. “I’ll remember that forever. “I knew you would,” he said. “I thought it was a good time to tell you.”

❤ ❤ ❤

Damn Your Genes Momma!

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2012 by Tanya

“Damn your genes Momma”!

That just happened to be the very first thing I heard after lifting the phone to my ear. “Oh no…you bought the Haagen Daz, didn’t you”? This of course, brought immediate laughter from my youngest daughter. “No Momma, I went with the sherbert.” “Too bad honey, I definitely would have went with the coconut macroon Haagen Daz….but then, that’s probably why I needed to bring the treadmill home too.”

“So what’s up”?

“Well, I went to the bank today to make a withdrawal, and after the teller handed me my receipt…I looked at it, then back at her, then back at the receipt again.” “This went on long enough to make both of us uncomfortable and the teller beside her to ask what was wrong.”

“Are you sure this balance is correct”? “Mom, I knew that it wasn’t, there was an additional $450.00 that obviously didn’t belong to me….not that I couldn’t have used it and I couldn’t believe I was saying it out loud….but I actually insisted to the tellers that it wasn’t mine.” “Despite the fact that their records were showing otherwise, I argued enough that they agreed to look into it and call me once they straightened things out.”

At this point I was laughing. “I’m proud of you honey, and despite what you might currently think…you did the right thing.”

Our conversation went on to discuss all of the probabilities of who the money actually belonged to, along with my daughters concern that one of the teller’s drawers might be short and the prospect of somebody having to compensate for the error. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Good things have a way of rippling out honey, in ways you could never begin to imagine.” “The good you did today, will inevitably find it’s way back to you.”

“Thanks Momma, but Nick’s gonna give me a hard time for giving it back.”

“It doesn’t matter honey, you know you did the right thing.”

“Oh jeez…hang on Momma.”

“I’m in the grocery store and I dropped some eggs….what’s that you were saying about good things happening”?

I just had to chuckle again. “It’s all about perspective baby.”

“Momma, what ARE you talking about”?

“Honey, after you dropped the eggs, did you tell somebody”?

“Yes.”

“Good…were they angry or irritated or tell you that you had to pay for them”?

“No, but I would have paid for them.”

“I know, but you’re missing the point.”

“No Momma, they weren’t angry, they actually said not to worry about it.”

“Right. They weren’t upset and you didn’t have to pay for them so it’s all good right”? “The only reason you probably dropped them to begin with is because you were preoccupied with second guessing your decision at the bank…right”?

“I love you Momma.”

“I know honey, I love you too.”

Score one for Momma’s Gene’s and Amber’s Heart.

In the Eye of the Storm

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2012 by Tanya

“When the world is in chaos, we can still have our own inner peace and maintain a sense of calm in a sea of unrest.”

-Madisyn Taylor

People who manage to maintain a calm and peaceful demeanor, despite the turmoil around them, seem to possess a magnetism that draws others to them. This calm exterior permeates from within and becomes instantly infectious and gratifying to most everyone that surrounds them.

Moments of confusion and chaos often precede blessings of clarity. During times of perceived darkness, it serves our hearts and perspectives well to remember that storms exist to afford us the opportunities to delve deep within ourselves and to extract whatever is necessary, from a pool of resources we had long since believed to be exhausted.

Maintaining a sense of inner peace and calm is imperative to successfully navigating through life’s storms.

If we can learn to locate and focus on the stillness that resides in the innermost chambers of our hearts, then we can derive and maintain composure in nearly any situation that occurs.

It isn’t mandatory that we comprehend the chaos, many of us rarely do. Neither is it realistic to believe that we could accurately predict how circumstances might unfold. Rather, what is important to remember…is how to access our own inner peace and calm, particularly when life’s storms begin to gather.

Cultivate your inner clarity through meaningful activities that perpetuate stillness and quiets your inner voice. Meditate, go for a walk, sit with nature, write, sketch, paint…create.

Whatever you choose to do, allow your heart to embrace the stillness and discover the haven reserved for you. Illuminate your soul with such tranquility, that it will lead you through even the most tumultuous of ebony storms. You will emerge victorious a midst a whirlwind of chaos…stronger, wiser and with clarity and the presence of mind to calm it all…

Again…and again…and again.

If we remember to delve deep, despite the chaos, everything we’ll ever need…already exists inside…patiently awaiting…our discovery.

“Do not be deceived by your senses,

Your feelings of fear and uncertainty,

For even as the tempest may howl,

Just beyond

Lies a serenity,

That you would

Not find otherwise.”

Learning to Navigate

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by Tanya

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written, there’s been rarely a moment to catch my breath. But today, gratefully, it’s been a good day…so I thought I would take a moment to share.

The journey that I’m referring to began approximately ten years ago, when my nephew Tyler was born. Reading my former blog entry will bring you up to speed.

Tyler & I moved to the Cape with my girlfriend Janet approximately three years ago and during that time, things have been trying to say the least. Initially, I felt as if I had awakened to an artist’s dream…I was fascinated and mesmerized by the beautiful and breath taking scenery that surrounded me. Oceans, beaches, wildlife, galleries and artists everywhere…I was immediately rooted within my version of heaven on earth. But all of this was quickly overshadowed by a storm brewing within my son.

Tyler has undergone countless evaluations and received a multitude of diagnoses. And although I’m certain this list is far from complete, so far the doctor’s have determined that he has Asthma, Allergies, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome and Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome. The latter brought about a trip to the Boston Children’s Hospital for a heart catheter ablation this past June.

We have been to countless doctor’s, specialists, counselors and behavioral therapists in an effort to not only secure the proper and most appropriate care for Tyler, but also to address the behavioral issues that have recently begun to spiral out of control.

Tyler is an extremely bright boy and his development was not hindered in the least in regard to speech, walking and learning among his peers at an early age. Quite the contrary, Tyler was quickly dubbed ‘the little mayor’ due to his friendliness and talkativeness with others. He maintains a seemingly infinite wealth of knowledge and facts and is eager to share these with anyone willing to listen. He possesses an inquisitiveness that rivals none and has an imagination to match. Academic evaluations have deemed him above average or superior in most of his subjects, but socially he has begun to stumble.

Tyler’s early years were anything but usual, and he dealt with far more than I care to remember at such a young & impressionable age. Despite everything, we have arrived here…to this place of reckoning, awakening, frustration and tribulation. And now the three of us have been thrust into an arena where we are uncertain of the rules, the game plan or strategy techniques. The adults at least, are well aware of the risks & what’s at stake…but how to relate that to a child who is struggling to understand EVERYTHING….?

This summer has been wrought with behaviors, tantrums and frustration. After nearly eighteen years in the field of Human Services & Special Needs, I’d like to believe that I’m a patient person, that I possess an understanding, compassionate, empathetic and loving heart. But I would be remiss in complete honesty, if I didn’t say that all of these things have been strained and stretched to the limit these past few months in particular. I love my son with all of my heart…and he is my son, I knew it the very first moment that I held him. My sister has countless struggles of her own, and although she believes she will always be his mother…she has, in truth, been absent from day one. But this is not about her, or her struggles, or her inability to be the nurturing parent that Tyler deserves. This is about a little boy, struggling to feel comfortable in his own skin, anxious to belong, to fit in…to feel safe and loved.

Over the past few years, I have watched Tyler grow and evolve from a friendly, talkative little boy…to a child frightened of his own shadow, terrified of bugs, uncertain of his friends, unwilling to leave my side and wishing he were dead…simply because it’s bedtime.

I distinctly remember the little baby I held in my arms, the toddler so willing to please and help out…and the little boy…who begged me to stay. This is not currently that child. This child is angry…beyond words. This child, despite his intellect, reverts to baby talk and tears. This child wants to be in complete control of his surroundings and his world…this child, assumes that everyone hates him, nobody cares about him and everyone should simply die. This is the child I am currently struggling to support, the child I want to save, protect, empower and love.

He currently growls from depths, I never knew existed…spewing hatred and vile things that look abnormally wicked on his sweet and beautiful lips. I know that this hatred is meant for neither Jan or I, but it doesn’t help to lessen the pain that it ultimately inflicts. There is a tumultuous storm of anguish and emotions brewing inside of my little boy…and although we’re doing everything in our power to ultimately assist him…we haven’t a clue how to save him.

That doesn’t mean however; that either of us have given up. Despite the frayed nerves, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and confinement…we’re still here. We’re still trying and still reaching for answers that we hope one day soon…will come.

In the meantime, we haven’t wavered from a path of structure, consistency & love. What more can we do?

Despite everything, I still see the same little boy that I held in my arms and promised to love & keep safe. This path, may not be the same one that I initially envisioned…but it’s our path…and if nothing else…it’s a path still woven with LOVE.

Beyond Justice to Mercy

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2012 by Tanya

It seems I’ve imagined you

Most of my life

The source of my anger & strife.

Caught in the madness

The tears and the sadness

I’d imagined you

Out of my life.

Bound by my anger

Heart wounded & stripped

I demanded my right

To be heard.

Unscathed by your words

And led by my pride

I shut the door on compassion

And pulled justice inside.

Where is the mercy

That I’d hoped to find

It seems in my anger

I’d left it behind.

Now here I find you

Alone with your tears

Embraced with compassion

After all of these years.

No need to remember

Nothing to forgive

All these years wasted

In an effort to live.

Where is the angry

Heart that once fell

Victim to justice

Casting mercy toward Hell.

Wrapped in the arms

Of a grace unknown

Filled with a love

I might never have shown.

The Race

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2012 by Tanya

 

Sometimes I get discouraged

Not knowing what to do,

When it seems, I’ve tried my hardest

Just to struggle through.

I rush and work

Then lose my place

In an effort,

To pick up the pace.

For every little step forward

I’m suddenly behind,

Questioning my direction

And all I’d hoped to find.

At times, 

I feel confused

And everything seems wrong,

Then suddenly,

I’m feeling tired

And not the least bit strong.

So I close my eyes

And rest awhile,

And let the tears begin

Until I start to remember…

There’s no Race

For me to win.

Beneath the hustle & hurry

Are the things

I’d thought I lost,

More precious to me

Than diamonds,

Far dearer

Than any cost.

Two little arms

Around my neck,

A kiss, and maybe a smile

For any one of these,

I’d run countless miles.

“I love you mommy”

Brings me back,

And I can’t help but grin…

To think

I’ve already claimed the prize…

For a Race

I didn’t win.

The Challenge

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2012 by Tanya

Woke up this morning

and both sides

of the bed

felt wrong.

Only

took an istant

to convince me…

the day

was already

too long.

First,

I was out of coffee

then,

it was cigarettes too

Why hadn’t

I done the laundry

and 

where in the hell

had I put

that shoe?

I hustled the kids

out the door

and scrambled 

towards the car,

Oh man,

I left 

the keys inside…

We weren’t going

very far.

I broke in

through the window

and somehow

tore my pants,

warned my children

NOT to giggle

under

ANY circumstance.

We had piled

into the car

after nearly

breaking my neck

for the keys,

that darn needle

never bothered

to budge…

it was sitting

right on ‘E.’

By then,

I was way

beyond angry

and definitely

seeing red,

I swear

I grabbed that

steering wheel…

with every

intention

of 

banging my head.

Then

defiance and frustration

started playing

tug of war,

and I was way

past certain…

that I couldn’t

take much more.

“God help me…

if it KILLS me,

I’m going to

make it

through today”

NEVER

in my

wildest dreams,

had I imagined

He would say…

“IS THAT A CHALLENGE”?