Archive for rear view mirror

Unspoken Goodbyes…

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2013 by Tanya

Unspoken Goodbyes

Undoubtedly one of the most difficult things to come to terms with are unspoken goodbyes.
Regardless of who it was that left, how or why…their absence creates a noticeable void.
Sometimes, even if the person that left was you, words left unspoken can drive you to distraction and leave you replaying scenarios in your mind.

They may often decrease in occurrence, but they exist nonetheless. Unwelcome shadows with the power to dim, if not obstruct your sunshine.

It’s that maddening missed opportunity that often plagues us after the fact.

What might you have said, had you had the option?

People who have passed on unexpectedly. Friends or loved ones who have elected to move on.
Those people you have chosen to walk away from without any form of real closure.

What is it that binds our thoughts with emotion and the desire to punctuate the end of every
sentence?

Why is it that even when we are certain we’ve moved on, part of us remains to attend to that
which was left unspoken?

For me, I believe there exists a need to ’cause no harm.’ Consequently, I worry that in some
ways perhaps I have and I find that to be completely unacceptable. I’m far from perfect, but
I don’t wish to be callous either, particularly with someone else’s emotions.

It troubles me that there are those people whom I irrefutably loved in my lifetime that elected
to exit without a goodbye and I am left with an overactive imagination and the question of ‘why’?

If I were to merely draw upon logic and reason, perhaps I could justify overriding my emotions
with a definitive refusal to care…but somehow I doubt that. Because I do care…very much.
It’s an extremely large part of who I am and who I’ve become.

Which leads me to an alternate reflection of unspoken goodbyes:

Unspoken gratitude.

Despite the awkwardness or regret which can often filter in with the absence of a goodbye,
at some point I regain the ability to turn the majority of my attention toward a more positive
light.

I begin to sift through memories still cherished and able to produce a smile. I reflect on
all of those things which made that particular moment in my life a necessary and vital piece
of the puzzle that helped to decipher who I am today.

It’s never easy and of course it still hurts. But for me it’s imperative if I’m to maintain any
sense of sanity or understanding. I find it far easier than drowning myself in despair over
something I often have no control over.

If I am able to be grateful for that person’s presence in my life, rather than being bound by
their absence…then I am able to look upon that time together as a gift and move forward.

“People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime”….and I believe that to be true.

There are a multitude of lessons to be learned if we allow ourselves the opportunity to listen
to their echos…even in the absence of a goodbye.

Monarch

Life Lessons

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2013 by Tanya

Image

This weeks lessons centered on the importance of extending kindness, gratitude, compassion and respect in every imaginable facet.

Initially in these scenarios, my immediate reaction might have been one derived from frustration. Instead, I discovered myself in the simultaneous positions of teacher and pupil once again.

It would have been relatively simple to voice my frustration and anger in each of these situations. Yet, despite my feelings I was able to exercise what I believed to be the appropriate course of action and perhaps lend a bit of enlightenment to what could have potentially resulted in entirely negative exchanges.

My students, if you will, were individuals approximately twenty years my senior and thirty eight years my junior. Neither scenario proved to be an easy task, both parties were reluctant and resistant to express rationality or entertain room for reason or the possibility of error. The situations demanded a demonstration of endurance, patience, humility, compassion, trust and love. A little nurturant tutelage was in order for all of us.

Anyone that knows me well enough, also knows that I rarely back down from a challenge. On the contrary, they often inspire and fuel me toward new heights of self standards, discovery and awareness. Each new challenge, undeniably tests my levels of endurance and patience and these two in particular were anything but mediocre in ominence.

The week began simply enough, ordinary in every way.

I received a phone call just prior to heading out toward work and I immediately felt the scales of positivity begin to tip. En route to work, as my thoughts began to spiral through imagined confrontations, I could feel my jaw set and begin to flex. Upon my arrival I quickly assessed that the situation was far more grievous than initially anticipated. Anger had reared her ugly head and it was a very uncomfortable and ill fitting reunion.

A gauntlet had most assuredly been thrown and demanded a response. And as ridiculous and uncanny as it might sound, my first intuitive response was one of gratitude. My next thought of course, was that rather than make a rash decision based predominately on frustration…perhaps I should enlist the advice of my supervisor. Imagine my surprise when she suggested we spin my initial response of gratitude rather than the expected confrontational stance.

Although I had hoped that the inevitable call would get lost in the airwaves somewhere, my phone rang anyway, just as I already knew that it would.

My greeting was met with an onslaught of accusations, anger and negativity. I swallowed hard and extended my gratitude and appreciation anyway. There was a nearly undetectable shift in the tone of our conversation, then more negativity. Again, I flexed my jaw and reiterated the magnitude of her generosity and was met this time with a slightly softer tone, then still more negativity. I exhaled, bit my tongue and began to detail how her efforts ultimately served as a catalyst for the valuable project we had imagined. There was a brief pause and then kindness manifested with a response of “You’re very welcome.”

My jaw dropped to the ground, a smile nearly reverberating across my face as I hung up the phone.

The problem was not completely eradicated, but kindness, perspective and communication were established and they are often the key components which serve as a springboard to all others.

One down….

The next morning my phone rang again and set into motion another chain of events which initially left me reeling in their wake.

Listening and gathering facts was imperative to squelching the frustration, anger and disbelief battling in my head. The enormous gravity of the situation warranted all of my time and attention and it required a level of tolerance already stretched beyond normal limits.

So I dug in…deep…and allowed myself the necessary time to breathe in and emerse myself in the whole picture, rather than adopting the narrow perspective I might have. It was an uncomfortable and precarious position to straddle the fence and explore all possible viewpoints. But it was also necessary to reaching
a fair and amicable resolution for everyone involved.

After a considerable amount of listening and discussion, I was able to reach my own determination regarding what had occurred. At that point, three simple words whispered into tender young ears, dispelled countless fears and anxiety. “We believe you.”

Although this problem has yet to be completely resolved either, what had transpired up to this point, could have been altered dramatically had I allowed myself to be led by my anger and frustration.

Ironically enough, for the past three weeks I have been involved in leadership trainings which began by completing a Meyers-Briggs Personality Test. Results determined that my personality type is ENFJ, very Creative individuals, widely known as the Teacher, the Giver and the Smooth Persuader.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

Somebody obviously has a warped sense of humor. ūüôā

If taken at face value, my week in it’s entirety, could have been considered fairly miserable. Yet once again I find myself smiling that I stumbled across more mountains, scaled and conquered them both and managed to maintain gratitude, compassion and love.

Who knew?

  
mountains-azalea-sunset

12/02/12

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Tanya

Momma

Eleven days and counting

Everyone’s moved on with their lives

Including me

Business as usual

But there’s nothing ‘usual’ about it.

In the forefront of my mind

I know you’re gone

And there’s nothing I can do

To change it

I can’t turn back time

I can’t fix ‘this’

And it kills me

That we all keep clicking away

Like you were never here at all.

Your picture is so vivid

In my mind

It can’t be real

You’re just away

Like any other day.

It all went down so wrong

Nothing to show you belonged

Everyone crying

Everyone fighting

But nobody’s fighting for you

Everyone wanting something

To build memories

From fragments of you

So much time was wasted

When we should have

Been loving you.

It’s fine to say

“I wish I had”

And “Momma, I miss you now”

But where were those words

When you needed them

And why should they

Matter now?

The world keeps spinning

And my mind keeps reeling

My feet don’t touch the ground

I’ll never get used

To missing you

Or not having you around.

At What Point in Time

Posted in Poems with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2012 by Tanya

At what point in time
did it become vital
to cross my legs at the knees
before a simple sneeze,
or cross a room
and have to rest
before I start to wheeze?

At what point in time
when I sat
did things settle
and the effort
require a nap,
when did I switch
between the pot & the kettle
and suddenly
desire a map?

At what point in time
did I start losing my teeth
where dentures
were the only choice,
and between the heartburn & snoring
I cringe
at the sound
of my voice?

At what point in time
did I simply relent
to wish on a star
just to open a jar
and despite my bodys descent,
Prayed for WD40
and begged the dear Lord
would He
mend all the joints
that were spent?

At what point in time
did my arms begin to recede
and shrivel too short to read,
why does the simple
act of standing
cause my knees
to plead?

At what point in time
did I develop
a counter balance
between my belly & bum,
why is it I barely
remember my name
or even where I’m from?

At what point in time
did my clothes cease to fit,
and my breasts
drop below
where I usually sit?

At what point in time
did my thighs
start to rub,
I fear the friction
may cause a fire,
I’m afraid, I could cry
and I don’t want to fry,
but the thought of running
makes me perspire.

At what point in time
did I start to send for a friend
when I merely
wanted to bend,
and though I never
intend to offend,
the farts depart more
in the end.

At what point in time
did I develop whiskers
and require various razors & creams,
when did I realize
with certainty,
I had Sasquatch
in my genes?

At what point in time
did my sense of smell
get shot to hell
and my age no longer lie,
when did passing a mirror
make me want to hide?

My reflection
is a joke
an image I’d like to poke,
wrinkles & sags
a hag wrapped in bags,
who I haven’t
the strength
to choke.

At what point in time
did creaks & groans
take the place
of sheets & moans,
and why now
when I’m grown,
would my mind be blown,
if I found myself
ALONE?

Lessons I’ve Learned – Part 1: Reflections of a Delinquent Child

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2012 by Tanya


  • Despite the varying faces I’ve made behind my parents back, it’s yet to ‘Freeze like that’.

 

  • Although I’ve yet to discover the exact location, I’m convinced that Mom definitely has ‘eyes in the back of her head.’

 

  • Contrary to all of Grandpa’s warnings, swallowing apple seeds never resulted in an apple tree spontaneously sprouting in my stomach, any more than whistling in front of Grandma’s passion plant…made it blush.

 

  • Although the ‘taste of soap in my mouth’ was never truly acquired, it did help to identify those brands that I would detest using as an adult.

 

  • Completing a chore in an exemplary fashion, may not only result in the¬†privilege¬†of going to a friends house, but also in assuming that task for the rest of your natural born life.

 

  • Feeding your siblings rabbit food under the guise of ‘Bran Cereal’ is never as humorous to your parents…as it was to you.

 

  • Although playing Evil¬†Knievel¬†and jumping over your siblings with your bicycle and a makeshift ramp may not result in immediate disaster, it could have detrimental effects on your ability to sit for awhile. (Particularly, when your little sister’s screams of “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”…causes your Mother to come running).

 

  • Cursing to either of your parents for emphasis is Never well¬†received. ¬†And that schoolyard joke you heard about the ‘Goddamn Ham’ and ‘passing the f***ing potatoes’ is an absolute ‘No Go’ at the dinner table (…or anywhere else on God’s Green Earth…for that matter).

 

  • There is no such thing as a ‘Free Pass.’ What they meant to call it was: ‘Say you’re sorry, accept your fate & bare your ass.’

 

  • Sometimes, the best way to trip up a liar is simply to feed her enough rope or in this instance…Candy.

 

My kid sister had been sneaking Mom’s Diet Aid Candies for weeks, a couple at a time and blaming everyone else for the deed. The candies looked and tasted like chocolate mints, but with laxative qualities.

 

During one occasion of babysitting, I noticed my sister was up to her old antics, but this time, I didn’t intervene. I watched her consume nearly an entire box of these little delacacies and bury the wrappers in all our ¬† ¬† bedroom wastebaskets.

 

After Mom & Dad returned home, it didn’t take long to discover the recurrent crime. My sister, once again, was very helpful in pointing out the guilty parties. We, as usual, had little recourse except to accept the consequences.

 
However; there was no denying the Real culprit, when shortly before bedtime, my kid sister came flying down the stairs, tearing through the livingroom, past my parents, clutching her behind…and made a beeline for the bathroom.

 
Side note: Although in this instance, truth did prevail, bending over hysterically and falling to the floor in a fit of laughter….evidently…can still get you into a great deal of trouble.

 

 

The Rear View Mirror

Posted in Synchronicity with tags , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2012 by Tanya

I find it slightly odd, that the more I journey forward, the more I discover myself glancing into my rear view mirror…not to check the flow of traffic, but rather, to reflect on where I’ve been. Interestingly enough, it’s these¬†intermittent glances, that inevitably keep me on course.

I’ve experienced and accomplished a lot in my lifetime, although not nearly as much as I would like. The drive is there and the passion to fuel my aspirations, yet I frequently stall right after assuming my position in the driver’s seat. I find this extremely frustrating to say the least. After all, this is my vehicle, my destination and my time…so what gives?

Of course, then it occurs to me that I am not traveling alone. There are all of these other drivers out here that have the potential to alter my course at any given moment. (This in itself can be frightening). There are an absolute myriad of colors, shapes and sizes. The brand spanking new ‘Daddy paid for it’ models, right along side the ‘All I could afford’ and ‘Junkyard’ models. Some are creeping along at a Sunday morning kind of pace, while still others are zooming past at warp speed to God only knows…what distant planet.

To the best of my recollection, there are still Rules of the Road to follow. Granted, I was never one to adhere to all of the rules, but I certainly wouldn’t jeopardize any one else’s safety in¬†lieu¬†of my own destination either. So how about this? I agree to graciously ease over to the right to allow you to pass, and you in turn, agree to keep your comments, horn and hand gestures to yourself. And it really is that simple.

Another glance into the rear view and ‘Wow, will you look at the time!’ I remember when the signs along the highway used to signify the speed limit, rather than my rapidly encroaching age.

Damn, another detour. Seriously. Does every road in the state need to be repaired at precisely the same time and inevitably during the height of the tourist season? Really, I haven’t got time for this nonsense.

Well, my plans are obviously shot. Too late to do anything but head back home at this point.

Wait…What is that on the shoulder up ahead? Definitely broken down. ‘What are you thinking?’ ‘Are you nuts?’ ‘Just keep driving.’ Warning bells and whistles are sounding…loud and clear.

Another glance into the rear view…and my moral compass takes over. I’ve been here before.

As I ease in behind the car, I notice an elderly woman alone and crying. As I climb out of my car and approach the driver’s side of her car, I tap lightly on her window. Evidently, she hadn’t seen me pull over and was a bit startled. With obvious trepidation, she rolled her window down just barely enough to allow her to hear me. After several brief exchanges and an equally quick assessment under the hood, I determined her car battery was the problem. After pulling my car up along side hers and securing my jumper cables to our batteries, there was little else to do but wait…..right?

Wrong again. Her name was Lousie and she lived on Martha’s Vineyard. She was in town visiting her son in the hospital. He had recently been diagnosed with Leukemia and wasn’t doing very well. She was headed back to her daughters when her car had given out. She had been stranded on the roadside for more than an hour without anyone offering to help. I could feel my chest tighten….Mental rear view mirror check.

I excused myself for a moment and retrieved a small, black book from my purse and handed it to Louise. I had carried it with me everyday since my own son had passed away, many years ago. I explained that there was a ribbon marking my favorite verse and perhaps it might lend her a bit of comfort also. Louise clasped my hands in hers and with tear filled eyes, whispered something about ‘Angels on Earth.’

The rest of our time was spent discussing recovery, positive affirmations, the power of prayer and synchronicity. Once the car turned over and after her daughter and son in law arrived to follow her home, Louise told me she would like to thank me by sending tickets to Martha’s Vineyard. I looked at this sweet woman and gave her a hug, while humbly declining her offer. “Thank you Louise, but if the opportunity ever occurs, I’d prefer you simply ‘Pay it Forward.” And with that, we went our¬†separate¬†ways.

As I climbed back in behind the wheel of my own car, I reached up to adjust the rear view mirror. What a beautiful sunset. I hadn’t realized how brilliant the colors were until then. Smiling, I eased back out onto the road and into the stream of traffic. My thoughts were clearer, my demeanor far calmer and my pace, nearly perfect.

I had achieved nothing I set out to do today. Preoccupied with the rear view mirror and in my haste to reach my destination, I nearly missed the opportunity of a Lifetime.

Although the journey didn’t unfold quite as I had imagined, I do know…beyond question, that I had arrived once again…precisely, where I was meant to be.