This Morning…

Posted in Blessings, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2014 by Tanya

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November 22, 2014.

Standing in the kitchen with Tyler he holds up my hand and looks at it. Then turns it around so the palm is facing me. “Mom, do you know why there are spaces between our fingers”? I shook my head no in reply. “Why,” I asked. He placed his fingers between mine, clasping my hand tightly. “So someone else can fill them.”

“I love that,” I told him. “I’ll remember that forever. “I knew you would,” he said. “I thought it was a good time to tell you.”

❤ ❤ ❤

Unspoken Goodbyes…

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2013 by Tanya

Unspoken Goodbyes

Undoubtedly one of the most difficult things to come to terms with are unspoken goodbyes.
Regardless of who it was that left, how or why…their absence creates a noticeable void.
Sometimes, even if the person that left was you, words left unspoken can drive you to distraction and leave you replaying scenarios in your mind.

They may often decrease in occurrence, but they exist nonetheless. Unwelcome shadows with the power to dim, if not obstruct your sunshine.

It’s that maddening missed opportunity that often plagues us after the fact.

What might you have said, had you had the option?

People who have passed on unexpectedly. Friends or loved ones who have elected to move on.
Those people you have chosen to walk away from without any form of real closure.

What is it that binds our thoughts with emotion and the desire to punctuate the end of every
sentence?

Why is it that even when we are certain we’ve moved on, part of us remains to attend to that
which was left unspoken?

For me, I believe there exists a need to ’cause no harm.’ Consequently, I worry that in some
ways perhaps I have and I find that to be completely unacceptable. I’m far from perfect, but
I don’t wish to be callous either, particularly with someone else’s emotions.

It troubles me that there are those people whom I irrefutably loved in my lifetime that elected
to exit without a goodbye and I am left with an overactive imagination and the question of ‘why’?

If I were to merely draw upon logic and reason, perhaps I could justify overriding my emotions
with a definitive refusal to care…but somehow I doubt that. Because I do care…very much.
It’s an extremely large part of who I am and who I’ve become.

Which leads me to an alternate reflection of unspoken goodbyes:

Unspoken gratitude.

Despite the awkwardness or regret which can often filter in with the absence of a goodbye,
at some point I regain the ability to turn the majority of my attention toward a more positive
light.

I begin to sift through memories still cherished and able to produce a smile. I reflect on
all of those things which made that particular moment in my life a necessary and vital piece
of the puzzle that helped to decipher who I am today.

It’s never easy and of course it still hurts. But for me it’s imperative if I’m to maintain any
sense of sanity or understanding. I find it far easier than drowning myself in despair over
something I often have no control over.

If I am able to be grateful for that person’s presence in my life, rather than being bound by
their absence…then I am able to look upon that time together as a gift and move forward.

“People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime”….and I believe that to be true.

There are a multitude of lessons to be learned if we allow ourselves the opportunity to listen
to their echos…even in the absence of a goodbye.

Monarch

Life Lessons

Posted in Blessings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2013 by Tanya

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This weeks lessons centered on the importance of extending kindness, gratitude, compassion and respect in every imaginable facet.

Initially in these scenarios, my immediate reaction might have been one derived from frustration. Instead, I discovered myself in the simultaneous positions of teacher and pupil once again.

It would have been relatively simple to voice my frustration and anger in each of these situations. Yet, despite my feelings I was able to exercise what I believed to be the appropriate course of action and perhaps lend a bit of enlightenment to what could have potentially resulted in entirely negative exchanges.

My students, if you will, were individuals approximately twenty years my senior and thirty eight years my junior. Neither scenario proved to be an easy task, both parties were reluctant and resistant to express rationality or entertain room for reason or the possibility of error. The situations demanded a demonstration of endurance, patience, humility, compassion, trust and love. A little nurturant tutelage was in order for all of us.

Anyone that knows me well enough, also knows that I rarely back down from a challenge. On the contrary, they often inspire and fuel me toward new heights of self standards, discovery and awareness. Each new challenge, undeniably tests my levels of endurance and patience and these two in particular were anything but mediocre in ominence.

The week began simply enough, ordinary in every way.

I received a phone call just prior to heading out toward work and I immediately felt the scales of positivity begin to tip. En route to work, as my thoughts began to spiral through imagined confrontations, I could feel my jaw set and begin to flex. Upon my arrival I quickly assessed that the situation was far more grievous than initially anticipated. Anger had reared her ugly head and it was a very uncomfortable and ill fitting reunion.

A gauntlet had most assuredly been thrown and demanded a response. And as ridiculous and uncanny as it might sound, my first intuitive response was one of gratitude. My next thought of course, was that rather than make a rash decision based predominately on frustration…perhaps I should enlist the advice of my supervisor. Imagine my surprise when she suggested we spin my initial response of gratitude rather than the expected confrontational stance.

Although I had hoped that the inevitable call would get lost in the airwaves somewhere, my phone rang anyway, just as I already knew that it would.

My greeting was met with an onslaught of accusations, anger and negativity. I swallowed hard and extended my gratitude and appreciation anyway. There was a nearly undetectable shift in the tone of our conversation, then more negativity. Again, I flexed my jaw and reiterated the magnitude of her generosity and was met this time with a slightly softer tone, then still more negativity. I exhaled, bit my tongue and began to detail how her efforts ultimately served as a catalyst for the valuable project we had imagined. There was a brief pause and then kindness manifested with a response of “You’re very welcome.”

My jaw dropped to the ground, a smile nearly reverberating across my face as I hung up the phone.

The problem was not completely eradicated, but kindness, perspective and communication were established and they are often the key components which serve as a springboard to all others.

One down….

The next morning my phone rang again and set into motion another chain of events which initially left me reeling in their wake.

Listening and gathering facts was imperative to squelching the frustration, anger and disbelief battling in my head. The enormous gravity of the situation warranted all of my time and attention and it required a level of tolerance already stretched beyond normal limits.

So I dug in…deep…and allowed myself the necessary time to breathe in and emerse myself in the whole picture, rather than adopting the narrow perspective I might have. It was an uncomfortable and precarious position to straddle the fence and explore all possible viewpoints. But it was also necessary to reaching
a fair and amicable resolution for everyone involved.

After a considerable amount of listening and discussion, I was able to reach my own determination regarding what had occurred. At that point, three simple words whispered into tender young ears, dispelled countless fears and anxiety. “We believe you.”

Although this problem has yet to be completely resolved either, what had transpired up to this point, could have been altered dramatically had I allowed myself to be led by my anger and frustration.

Ironically enough, for the past three weeks I have been involved in leadership trainings which began by completing a Meyers-Briggs Personality Test. Results determined that my personality type is ENFJ, very Creative individuals, widely known as the Teacher, the Giver and the Smooth Persuader.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

Somebody obviously has a warped sense of humor. 🙂

If taken at face value, my week in it’s entirety, could have been considered fairly miserable. Yet once again I find myself smiling that I stumbled across more mountains, scaled and conquered them both and managed to maintain gratitude, compassion and love.

Who knew?

  
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The Little Things

Posted in Blessings, Synchronicity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2013 by Tanya

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It’s always been about the little things, but too often I get caught up in the chaos of everyday, lost inside my thoughts and forget what I’ve always known. Today, I remembered.

All of the things I deem important on a daily basis, pale in comparison to the little things when I actually take the time to notice. Funny, how I always have to come full circle to discover what I’ve always known. But then, I suppose that’s part of my particular path. Perhaps part of my personal lesson is to repeat what’s important until I remember without question, without hesitation and without prompting. In all fairness though, this time was a bit more difficult. Mom’s sudden passing left me feeling uprooted, a bit lost and very aware of my own mortality. I’ve lost many people in my life, my son, my father, other relatives and friends…but this time, it was Mom…and that made it exceptionally unique.

I’ve spent the better part of the day wandering around to determine how I’d like to spend my day off. During that time, I’ve walked through our gardens, sketched in the front yard, smelled the beautiful fragrance of lilacs, roses and lilies, watched the bees carrying on about their business and listened to the doves, sparrows and orioles singing everywhere. I found myself smiling at the simplicity of it all. I’m always in such a hurry to cram everything into that one day off, to accomplish something so spectacularly worthwhile, that I overlook the obvious. I am happy.

I have been blessed in so many ways and it’s never the huge monumental things that truly make me smile. It’s the little things.

  • Hearing my children or my partner say “I love you.”
  • Amber calling to check on me or to say “Momma, I miss u face.”
  • Misty giggling into the phone or uploading the latest videos of my beautiful grandson.
  •  Tyler writing ‘Lewis’ on all of his schoolwork and reminding me that I need to add his birthstone to my Mother’s ring.
  • Being greeted at the door after work by an over zealous beagle, eager to relay the hardships she’s endured while I was away.
  • Knowing that Jan is always there to come home to.

I am surrounded by friends and family and although we no longer live in the same state, the distance between hearts is never very far. Which reminds me….

A few weeks ago, my Mom had been on my mind quite a bit and as I stood in the kitchen washing dishes, I was contemplating all of the things that had occurred and all of the things I wish I had done. In my heart, I cried out to my Mother for answers and immediately heard a loud noise behind me. I spun around and walked toward a shadow box hanging on the wall and let my eyes fall to the floor beneath it. There I saw a Christmas ornament lying on the floor. As I stooped to pick it up, I noticed that it had Eeyore on it and realized that I hadn’t ever recalled it being there before. I replaced it on the shelf and returned to the dishes wondering what in the world the significance of Eeyore might be. Later that night, when I relayed the story to Jan, she smiled and said “Honey, I think maybe you’re missing the point here.” When I asked what she meant, she stated simply “that perhaps there isn’t any significance to Eeyore, but rather that you called out to your Mother…and got a response.”

Leave it to me to take the difficult route. 🙂

Two weeks ago, I had gone into the kitchen to make some toast. It was beautiful outside and we had all of the windows open for the first time this year. Unlike Jan who apparently has an internal furnace, I must possess an internal iceberg, I’m always cold. In any case, I’m standing in front of the toaster oven with my hands stretched out and warming in front of it when I happened to look back up at the shadow box beside me. The ornament was still in place, but from the corner of my eye I noticed something flashing to the right. I turned my head to see a key chain dangling from the side flashing the word “Mom.” I ran immediately to the other room to grab my glasses, just to be certain of what it was I was seeing. Sure enough…it was Mom. Kinda freaked me out…but in a good way. I later checked with Jan and she said the key chain had been hanging there for about six months, apparently I just never noticed…until it was important I guess.

It’s the little things.

At Christmas this year, I had decided to decorate a special tree in honor of both of our Mothers. I bought a small rosemary tree and embellished it with silk monarch butterflies. It survived for quite awhile and has since been placed outside. Last week I came home to discover that Jan had placed the Monarchs throughout the kitchen and the front room of the house. One of them was placed carefully on the key chain at the corner of the shadow box. ❤

It will always be about the ‘ little things’….and maybe now, I’ll remember.

 

 

 

Moving On

Posted in Blessings, Poems, Pulseline with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2012 by Tanya

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Eventually,

as the pangs of hurt

begin to subside

and are replaced

by the dull ache

and awareness

of void.

The senses return

however raw

from the trauma

of  unexpected change

and loss.

Moments of yesterday

seep through

the pages of today

and melancholy

slips unhindered

from the corners

of your eyes.

Time is not your enemy

although it no longer

resembles a friend.

Faced with the mirror

of mortality

and a journey

that ultimately ends.

You search the heavens

for solace

and pray that someone hears

each aching beat

of your heart

and erases

the moment

that awakened fear.

When the realization

emerges

That the world

isn’t going to cease

merely because

you have no desire

to haul yourself

out of bed

that your responsibilities

will not

complete themselves

despite your wishing

they would.

Perhaps then,

you will begin

to acknowledge

that regardless

of how deep your sorrow

you are breathing still

and moving on

doesn’t mean

that you’ve forgotten.

It simply means

that you’re learning

to accept what happened

…enough…

to continue living.

12/02/12

Posted in Random Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Tanya

Momma

Eleven days and counting

Everyone’s moved on with their lives

Including me

Business as usual

But there’s nothing ‘usual’ about it.

In the forefront of my mind

I know you’re gone

And there’s nothing I can do

To change it

I can’t turn back time

I can’t fix ‘this’

And it kills me

That we all keep clicking away

Like you were never here at all.

Your picture is so vivid

In my mind

It can’t be real

You’re just away

Like any other day.

It all went down so wrong

Nothing to show you belonged

Everyone crying

Everyone fighting

But nobody’s fighting for you

Everyone wanting something

To build memories

From fragments of you

So much time was wasted

When we should have

Been loving you.

It’s fine to say

“I wish I had”

And “Momma, I miss you now”

But where were those words

When you needed them

And why should they

Matter now?

The world keeps spinning

And my mind keeps reeling

My feet don’t touch the ground

I’ll never get used

To missing you

Or not having you around.

For Momma 02/28/45 – 11/21/12

Posted in Blessings with tags on December 3, 2012 by Tanya
I Love You

I Love You

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